Passionate Living Coach Abiola Abrams gives love, dating and self-esteem advice on networks from MTV to the BBC and all over the web through her hit web series AbiolaTV. Now she wants to help you keep things spicy and fresh between the sheets. Are you in need of an intimacy intervention? Just ask Abiola!
Dear Abiola,
I have been married to my dear husband for two and a half years. Unfortunately, I have also been having revenge sex with a man at work for two years.
It may sound like a mess, but my husband cheated first. I found out two days before we got married that he had been sleeping with the mother of his son. She was the one who told me, hoping I would cancel my wedding. I didn’t give her the satisfaction. We were together for about 18 months before we got married and he was still having sex with his baby’s mother during almost a year of that time.
I was devastated, but I agreed to go ahead with the wedding. About a month later, I decided to flirt back with this much younger man at my job. I am 39, my husband is 42, and the guy I cheated with is 27. My young “boyfriend” is actually my employee.
Bae really gave me my life back. It was like something off of TV. One of us would text and then we would meet up and get it however, wherever – my car, his car, hotels, motels, his garage, the small company bathroom in the basement. This man rocked my world. I always told my husband I had “work emergencies.”
Then I was finally able to TRULY forgive my husband for everything because we started going to therapy. I have fallen back in love with my man and we are very happy together. The therapist said we needed to come clean about everything from our pasts. We even had a therapy session with the ex baby mama since I have to still interact with her. But the therapist was talking about him coming clean not me — because nobody else knows what I have been up to.
A few times I have tried to break it off with my employee but he threatened to tell my husband if I don’t keep sexing him. He has explicit photos and and intimate texts from me and says he won’t give up without a fight. He claims to be in love with me. The affair is no longer fun because now I feel like I am being forced. I don’t want to break up my home and my marriage. Things with my man are finally working out.
I have thought about maybe convincing my husband that we need to move to another city. But I have a great position I worked very hard for in my field and I just hit the $100K mark. We also want to still have our own babies while we can.
My question to you is: do I need to tell my husband about the affair? Or should I just keep my mouth shut? What should I do?
Signed,
Caught Between a Man and a Hard Place
Dear Sacred Bombshell,
Girl! You say that this “may sound like a mess”? My darling sister, this is a mess of epic proportions. Your man was cheating and lying with a woman who has to be in your lives. She sounds (perhaps rightfully) bitter. Then you married him and started your own workplace affair with an employee. How did any of this seem like a good idea?
You are not caught between a man and a hard place. You are caught between lies and bullsh*t! However, it won’t help you to rehash what you should have done. Hindsight is 20/20 for all of us, right?
Let’s figure out next steps.
My queen, I am not sure if you’ve heard, but intimate contact with an employee is grounds for termination, and quite often lawsuits. You are lucky that this man is only threatening to tell your husband, for now. Whether or not your company has a morals and decency clause, you could be fired – and prosecuted – for sexual harassment because you are his superior in every way. If I were you, I would start to look at other career options because this man could make a beeline for Human Resources at any moment. The statute of limitations for filing a claim can be up to 300 days.
Here is what the EEOC (U.S. Equal Employment Opportunity Commission) has to say about sexual harassment law: “It is unlawful to harass a person (an applicant or employee) because of that person’s sex. Harassment can include sexual harassment or unwelcome sexual advances, requests for sexual favors, and other verbal or physical harassment of a sexual nature.”
I know that this is not what you want to hear, but your therapist is right. You have to tell your husband. Everything must be on the table to move forward. This is not a ‘keep your mouth shut’ type of situation. There are several issues. First, there is your sexual affair. Then there is the fact that this man is now threatening and blackmailing you. Your revenge sex has turned into sex under duress. You can’t continue to have sex with this man for the rest of your life to shut him up. This man is manipulative with stalker behavior and an emotional blackmailer, but, real talk, he is no worse than the rest of you.
Sometimes we win and other times we grow. You need to tell your husband ASAP. You may want to set up a private 1-on-1 session with your therapist, and then enlist her assistance in breaking it to your hubbie. If you and your husband decide to stay together, you will need a solid financial plan. The reason is that you need to also resign from your job ASAP.
Do all of this, including resigning from your job, before telling your young bae that playtime is over. Take this conversation with him very seriously. End it and never see or speak to him again. He is behaving as though he is a potentially dangerous person. Believe him. Enlist the help of an attorney to shut down this sexual extortion. Tell your bae/employee that if he gets in touch you again you will file a restraining order. As for the photos and texts, have the attorney send a pre-emptive ‘cease and desist’ against him sending or posting them anywhere.
If you do not resign from your job, you could end up disgraced and publically shamed, or worse, prosecuted. Your employee/boyfriend has already proven himself to be a lowlife. Who knows what lies he could create?
If this were to come out, your company won’t take kindly to public embarrassment. Your every move will be called into question and you could be ruined in your field. Sorry if I sound dramatic, but this is a dramatic situation.
Take action now.
It’s wonderful that you are in couples’ therapy, and that you are in love with your husband. You show tremendous growth and maturity in being able to sit down in therapy with the mother of his child. You are just at the start of your journey, mentally, emotionally, spiritually and physically. You need to clean this up before having additional children.
In addition to a good lawyer, find a great therapist who is just for you and take the steps required to turn this tremendous test into a grand testimony.
Passionately yours,
Abiola
Abiola Abrams is the author of the award-winning Sacred Bombshell Handbook of Self-Love, Manifest Your Miracles meditation album and African Goddess Affirmation Cards. The popular lifestyle guru is also the founder of the Sacred Bombshell Self-Care Kits, blog, web TV show, and online academy at SacredBombshell.com. Follow her on Twitter to continue the discussion about this week’s hot topic, and then email her your burning questions now. Anything you send will be posted anonymously, promise.