I can remember my first real crush and heartbreak at age fourteen. He wasn’t my boyfriend—because my parents had a strict, “no dating until Jesus comes back” policy. But we liked each other and talked every day. Until the day we didn’t.
I knew something was wrong when he stopped calling. My friends tried to pep talk me, but in my gut I knew and I was crushed! I mistakenly thought something was wrong with me. This pattern continued in my early adult relationships. Phone calls would get strained, then shorter and then one day they’d stop completely.
As Valentine’s Day approaches, many of us face it alone. Some of us are lucky and our dilemma is clear. We’re still looking for that special someone. We know how the day will go for us. But then there are some of us in the fog of an undefined relationship. He may bring flowers—even though you’re just “friends.” Or, he might take you out, if she isn’t available.
I coach women in all walks of life wanting more out of love. Employment history and economic status aside, a broken heart is a broken heart. Anyone accepting what they know is less than what they deserve lives with an identity-destroying uncertainty and pain.
Here are three things I’ve learned keep us from getting the love we want:
1.Dysfunctional Community
It’s hard to change when our mess is comfortable. One of the first things I tell my clients when they are engaged in unsatisfying relationships is to analyze the love lives of those around them. Iron sharpens iron and deeps call unto deep. If we don’t allow models of healthy love in our inner circle, we won’t challenge ourselves to expect more. Sometimes in order to find healthy love, a change of community is required. Action Step: Evaluate the quality of the romantic relationships that influence you the most.
2. Distorted Thinking
The way we see things is the way they are—for us! We can’t think wrong and get it right! We can never rise above the level of our own thinking. Love is a treasure that has been gifted to imperfect beings. None of us can love perfectly. At best, we love healthily. Understanding the imperfection of the giver is key to keeping your identity intact. Too many times we derive our value from human love. Rejection is just a reflection of preference. People have the right to choose what works best in their lives—don’t give up the right to choose what works best in yours. Action Step: Take time to evaluate the messages you’ve accepted as truth from rejection.
3. Disengaged Living
Too many times we live on autopilot. We need to consciously express ourselves in all areas of life in order to have balance and satisfaction. This will enable us to be more selective with the investment of our emotions and time. Putting all our eggs in one basket signifies poor development. Sometimes that basket is our career, sometimes it’s family and sometimes it’s romantic love. Balance is the key to finding—and enjoying—real love! Action Step: Take time to set at least two monthly goals in different areas of your life for the next 90 days.
Do Your Work: Do the action steps to find out where you need to make the necessary adjustments. Watch my “Get The Love You’re Worth!” video and schedule a free 20-minute laser coaching session now at Coachfelicia.com.
Define Your Wealth: Affirm, “I give and receive love that is healthy, empowering and free of shame.”
Named the “North America’s Next Greatest Speaker” by eWomenNetwork, Felicia T. Scott is a Certified Empowerment Coach™ who empowers her clients to turn their Worth into Wealth as she partners with them to DISCOVER their WORTH, DO the WORK and DEFINE their WEALTH. Get more insight, download the FREE “8 Choices Winners Must Make” seminar MP3 on her website.