It was read-central on Scandal tonight, with a couple of intense verbal body blows landing spectacularly but we’ll get to that in a minute. We’re still reeling from the sucker punch Jake was dealt. Excuse us while we try to strategize how we can get him out from under now that Rowan and Tom have framed him for the murder of the president’s son. I know that Tom was just looking out for his own neck but now Jake, who thought he was on the verge of taking down Rowan, is probably facing the death penalt, if not worse. The promos for next week’s show say not even Liv can help him but we can hope, can’t we? Maybe the blackmail files he retrieved from Rosen will help.
While that intrigue was playing out, the first daughter was spiraling out of control by drinking, drugging and doing something with two boys that I had to go and Google. (I sincerely thought they were flying to Paris at first. Thanks for that, Internet and Shonda.) To top that off there’s a sex tape of the whole encounter that needed to be handled. Sure, Karen would get a pass from her mom because it’s all a manifestation of her grief from seeing her brother die in front of her but it was still pretty messy. Between those two storylines came these great dress-down moments:
Cyrus to Abby: Cyrus went from being completely wrung out in bed with his boy toy to helping manage the First Daughter crisis, ushering Huck and Quinn into the White House to help. When they bumped up against the wall of constant annoying insecurity that is Abby, Cyrus broke it down for her:
“You are not Olivia. You will never be Olivia. And hating Olivia for your own shortcomings will not change that fact.”
(I also saw that shade you threw at Mellie: “Got some new boots on there? New color?” For shame, Cyrus.)
Fitz to Mellie: After playing the supportive husband role for months on end, all it took was Mellie losing her mind about Olivia being back in the White House for Fitz to unleash a torrent of pent-up anger at his disheveled wife, who only wanted to stake her claim as mother/fixer of the Grant family. This was even before Fitz made his move on Olivia or found out that she had been off with Jake when she left D.C. and not alone as she first said. I know their kiss was supposed to make me melt but it didn’t. And not just because I’ve long since been over Fitz. It just left a particularly bad taste in my mouth coming on the heels of this devestating rant at Mellie.
“I have dealt with Drunk Mellie, Bad Hygeine Mellie… No, wait. I got it. Smelly Mellie. I have dealt with Drunk Mellie, and Smellie Mellie, and Screw-Everything-to-Hell Mellie, and Cry-baby Mellie, and Eat-Everything-That’s-Not-Nailed-Down Mellie, and I have not complained. But I will not put up with whatever righteous History-Rewriting Mellie you have going on right here, right now. This is not your family. You are not the mother. Not since Jerry died. Since Jerry died you have abdicated your role. You have mothered no one. You hold nothing together. You pick up no pieces. You know how I know this? Because Baby Teddy thinks his mother is Nanny Jen. And Karen spent last night in a threesome with two guys doing a move on her they like to call Eiffel Towering!”
And while that was pretty damn harsh, Mellie hit back just as hard with just two short lines : “A sex tape? She takes after her daddy then, doesn’t she?” Ouch.
Papa Pope to Tom: When Rowan was winding up Agent Tom to take out Jake, he made sure it was clear who had the upper hand, who always has the upper hand.
“Look at my face. Disappointment often turns to frustration. Frustration turns to resentment. Resentment turns to anger. Anger to rage. Rage to indifference. Once I am indifferent, well, I will have forgotten that you were ever once one of my favorites and I just may start wishing for your head too. Jake Ballard needs to go. I’m putting a clock on it.”
Olivia to the pervy parents: Once the parents of one of the threesome boys told Olivia they wanted $2.5 million for the tape…and then had the nerve to increase that by $500K, you had to know that Olivia wasn’t going to put up with it. And the moment that mother said some ugly things about Karen, it was on.
“I’ll do anything and everything to assassinate what little character you have and I won’t give it a second thought because you two are the absolute worst kind of people. The kind who have everything but still want more. I have the head of every news organization on speed dial and they will run the hell out of the story of the rich parents who sent their son to have sex with the president’s daughter just so they could blackmail the White House. And in the blink of an eye, everyone you now consider a friend will erase you from their memory. And every family in America will hate you. Forever. And forget about ever leaving your house again because they will know your faces because I will make sure they are etched into the American memory. Because that is what I do and there is no one better at it in the entire world than I am.”
Special Shout-out: Kudos to Shondaland for getting the use of Prince’s “Controversy.” Now that’s a coup.
What was your favorite part of tonight’s episode?