To my loving mom Venida,
It’s been two years and seven months since you started on your adventure with our Heavenly Father, but it feels like just yesterday that I said my final “see you later.”
I must admit that this new journey without you has been full of darkness and at times a bit of fear. I seldom smile anymore, and comfort comes in knowing that I can escape to my room and be alone with my four white walls to protect me. It’s hard feeling so far away from you, even though I know how close you really are. Your amazing smile, spirt, innocence, laugh, shyness and just plain kindness reside in its new home, and I’m still getting used to that.
MY HEART!! I told myself on October 13, 2016, that I can’t imagine my life without you. I stroked your hair and held your hand and continuously apologized, “I’m sorry, ma. I’m so so sorry.” Because I truly am so sorry that you had to endure such horror, pain, and heartbreak. I apologize if I didn’t do all that I could to be there with you, but I tried, ma — I did. And I hope you saw that. I would’ve done anything for you!
I remember reading a passage from your diary stating that you were so concerned about me not going to work to be there for you. But to me, work came secondary to you. You were always my number one focus. I am your son, and even though you’re so far away, I will ALWAYS be there for you!!! I promised that to you and I will forever keep that promise!!!
Some of the moments I miss most are our karaoke nights — when we would sing together in your room and I would play The Carpenters’ “Yesterday Once More” and you would say, “I like that song.” Or when I played my favorite Selena tune, “I Could Fall In Love” and you would roll your eyes and say, “You’re playing Selena again?” but catch yourself instantly singing along. I got so much joy out of that.
If only you could understand what my days have been like without you. If only you knew how hard my life has been knowing that I can’t hear your laugh, feel your hugs or just see you on your bed, laptop opened, looking at eBay and bidding away at the things that made you happy.
If I was granted one more day with you I wouldn’t say a word. I would just hug you and not let go. You are and will forever be my rock, my inspiration, my angel, my idol. You are everything I want to be. I know you are proud of me, but really, I’m so proud of you — for all that you have done, for all you have accomplished and for all you continue to achieve even though you’re no longer here.
Oh MA, I love you so very much and I miss you beyond what my words can say.
I’ll be seeing you on Mother’s Day this year as I always did. Remember how you loved the cupcakes I would bring?? I do. You always loved your sweets!
One day we’ll be together again, ma. But until then, always know that I love you sooooo much…
-Deion