Recently, Real Housewives of Potomac star Mia Thornton announced that she was separating from her husband of over a decade, Gordon Thornton, in September 2023. In Season 8, episode 17, of the reality show, Thornton shared a shocking revelation about her finances at the hands of her husband during the couple’s therapy session, where they discussed the trials and tribulations of their relationship and why she was considering divorce, stating that their union was “combative.” During the session, she said, “The first time I hired a divorce attorney, Gordon emptied my bank account to zero and said I couldn’t leave him. No man or female should try to do that to anyone to try to make them stay; that’s abusive.”
Although they aren’t officially divorced, they are successfully separated, and Thornton is seemingly moving forward with her life, including being happy with a new beau.
Thornton’s revelation had me thinking about the perils of financial abuse in toxic relationships and how important it is to spot the red flags. Ashley McGirt, a financial expert, says spotting financial red flags in relationships early on is crucial for building a healthy and stable partnership. You can spot financial red flags by observing spending habits and asking direct questions.
Here are some red flags to watch out for, according to McGirt:
Avoidance or secrecy about finances: If your partner hesitates to discuss their financial situation and becomes defensive when the topic is brought up, it could indicate potential financial issues. Even if there aren’t financial issues, it can show a potential partner’s resistance and lack of transparency with including their partner in their finances.
Irresponsible spending habits: Constant overspending, maxed-out credit cards, or frequent impulse purchases may signal a lack of financial discipline.
Unwillingness to set financial goals: If your partner shows little interest in setting or planning for the future, it could indicate a lack of financial responsibility or long-term vision.
Poor credit history: While a less-than-perfect credit score doesn’t necessarily mean someone is financially irresponsible, consistently lousy credit or a history of bankruptcy could be cause for concern.
Dependency or financial entanglement with others: If your partner relies heavily on financial support from family members or friends or is involved in dubious financial arrangements, this could indicate instability.
Here are some additional signs from Damona Hoffman, Author of F the Fairy Tale and Relationship Expert for Wise:
Lack of future thinking: Even if someone is in debt and doesn’t hold assets for the future yet, they should be thinking about their financial future if they want to have a future with you. If they have debt, do they have a plan for paying it down? Are they putting aside money for a rainy day or investing in their future with a 401K or other long-term savings account? The way someone thinks of their money often shows up in the way they date, so if they seem to be living moment-to-moment with you, they might also be living moment-to-moment with their financials, and that can be a red flag if you’re trying to invest in a future with you.
Asking you for money: I recently did a segment on The Drew Barrymore Show outlining the signs of a “romance scam.” The #1 red flag that someone is out to take you for your money is asking for money, especially early in the relationship. The usual pattern is that they will woo you for 3-4 weeks and then start with a small ask like paying off a phone bill or sending a debit card for a small amount. If you comply, the asks will get bigger and bigger, and usually, their love bombing will also increase accordingly, so you feel that you are deeply connected to them and you have to help them out. The minute someone you’ve only dated or talked to for a short while asks for financial support, run! Don’t make excuses or try to make the story fit.