Recently, I watched one of Sex and City’s iconic episodes, “Ex and the City.” In it, Carrie Bradshaw, the series’ main character and protagonist, asks herself a singular question: Can you be friends with an ex? Unfortunately for Carrie and Big, her long-term on-and-off lover, the answer is no.
However, this question remains relevant to many women today. What does friendship with an ex look like, and is it still possible? To quote Bradshaw, where does the love go when you break up with someone? One can easily argue the love goes straight to their next girlfriend. However, what if you do want to be friends with an ex? Is it possible to do this without crossing boundaries?
I can imagine so, but it’s probably incredibly difficult. We connected with Beverley Andre, a relationship expert and licensed therapist, to explore this concept. “If both parties agree they no longer have romantic feelings and are only interested in friendship, they can remain exes without crossing boundaries,” she says to ESSENCE. “Not everyone has an ex that was “the one who got away.” Sometimes, there needed to be a better fit.”
However, if one person is still holding on to feelings and desires more, it can create a misalignment in what both individuals want out of the relationship, which could lead to red flags. To ensure that boundaries are not crossed, there needs to be clear communication and disciplined behavior so neither person backslides into the previous familiar dynamic.
If you do want to be friends with your ex, here are several tips:
Communicate: Do you want to be friends, or do you want to try again romantically? It’s important to eventually establish the nature of the relationship before you get entangled again.
Create Boundaries: You and your ex should know the boundaries and be disciplined enough to maintain them. If not, there should be clear consequences when a boundary isn’t respected. Ex: You told your ex you won’t speak to them after 9 PM, and they call, so you ignore the call and reinforce the boundary.
You have to cease bae-like behavior: kissing, cuddling, sexting, flirting, sliding in the DMs, sending relationship memes, reflecting on all of the good times and everything else in between, because it fuels intimacy that isn’t “just friends” behavior.