When we talk about gaslighting, which has become a buzzword online, we often talk about facing this form of manipulation in our romantic relationships. But many people deal with gaslighting in a space they can’t often opt out of being in – their place of work. For those who’ve heard about gaslighting but don’t fully understand how it works, licensed clinical social worker Brandy Stinson says the word comes from the 1944 film Gaslight, where a husband manipulates a woman into thinking that she’s crazy, literally lowering the gas lights in their home to make her think certain occurrences were a figment of her imagination. That is an extreme of course, but the purpose is in line with how people practice it today: control.
“In simple terms, gaslighting is causing someone to question their sanity or ability to reason,” she tells ESSENCE. “A part of what makes us human is our ability to reason and to make decisions. The result of gaslighting is that the victim will literally doubt their ability to make the best decisions for themselves or doubt what some would call their ‘intuition.'”
“In the context of two people recalling or interpreting an incident differently, one may say, ‘That was not how I specifically perceived this incident; it differs from yours, and I recognize that your perspective is different,'” she adds. “But gaslighting says, ‘The way that you perceived this incident is false, you made this up and you can’t trust yourself. So, I will tell you how this incident took place.'”
This behavior is manipulative because it’s based on a person’s desire to avoid taking accountability for their behavior. You’re free and clear if you take control of a situation by reframing how a person experienced an incident and making them question themselves.
“Gaslighting is often anxiety-provoking for the person on the receiving end because we depend so much on our own intuition and decision-making to navigate the world and keep us safe,” Stinson says. “Imagine basically being told that you can’t trust yourself. That can be scary!”
This tactic, which is often used “in all forms of abuse,” according to the therapist, is also a behavior showcased by some people in leadership at work. And while you might have better luck walking away from a manipulative gaslighter you’re dating, it’s much harder to leave your place of employment because you’re working with and for one. We talked with Stinson about what it looks like to experience gaslighting at work, how to call it out, and tools to protect one’s peace in the place where we make our living.
ESSENCE: What would you say it means to be gaslit at work?
Brandy Stinson, LCSW: To be gaslit in the workplace often occurs when someone in a position of authority causes an employee to question their work performance or completion of tasks. It completely undermines the employee’s confidence and recollection of their productivity or performance. Because gaslighting can often be subtle and not an overtly violent act, it is often overlooked in the workplace, and an employee may be afraid to speak up for fear of retaliation.
Can anyone do this, or just individuals in leadership roles?
Anyone can exhibit gaslighting behaviors; the key is whether control and manipulation are the end goal for the individual. Because people in leadership positions are people at the end of the day, anyone is prone to either exhibiting gaslighting behavior or being subject to it.
What are examples in the workplace to be on the lookout for?
It could look like accusing an employee of not completing a task when, in actuality, they did, or constantly “moving the goalpost” by asking an employee to complete a task, but their performance never being “good enough.” This, too, can cause an employee to question both their decision-making and their ability to perform their job.
For a gaslighting boss, what’s the best way to address their behavior when it’s coming from someone in a place of power?
When a supervisor gaslights, it’s important to document, document, document! If the supervisor accuses the employee of not completing tasks, ask for the tasks to be put in an email and respond via email when completed. For conversations had over the phone, ask for an email recap of the meeting points and decisions made during the conversation. Because we are now in the world of Microsoft Teams/Zoom meetings, you can request that the meeting be recorded so that you can reference it for clarity in the future. The best way to address gaslighting is honestly to present evidence of what was actually said/done, and to affirm yourself throughout the process that you can trust yourself and that what you saw and/or heard is what you saw and/or heard!
And how can we, in general, protect our peace at work?
We often talk about boundaries in our personal lives and in our personal relationships; however, it is equally as important to set boundaries in the workplace. This doesn’t mean refusing to get the job done, but it does mean being able to advocate for ourselves and set realistic expectations as well. So often, we attach our identity to what we do, and if we aren’t “performing well” at work, then our self-esteem takes a hit. I often suggest to my clients to remember that their job is an extension of who they are, meaning they are whole, talented, worthy, etc., without the job. I think affirming those things for yourself will give you the confidence to advocate for yourself in unhealthy work environments and keep your self-esteem and identity intact.