Losing family members, friendships, a coveted work position, or a romantic relationship is never easy. The impact of the loss can be stressful to manage and heartbreaking, causing one to experience tough emotions. According to Meghan Watson, psychotherapist and founder of Bloom Psychology, tending to ourselves with care and intention in the face of grief can be an insurmountable challenge, which is why it’s important to find safe ways to process your grief, as prioritizing caring for yourself is vital. Although facing and expressing grief is stressful, there are ways to validate it in our lives when we notice it emerge.
“Despite our best hopes, grief, and loss do not follow a predetermined schedule and can show up at times when we are under-resourced, stressed, burnt out, and overwhelmed by other responsibilities and needs,” says Watson. She notes that while facing our grief head-on is an important part of emotional expression, temporary distractions and short-term coping skills can be very helpful when we are in situations and circumstances that make it difficult to lean into the emotions of grief at the moment. “It’s important to note that returning to our grief after using short-term coping skills can be seen as a form of self-care, as expressing emotion (even ones that are distressing and uncomfortable) may offer us validation that our grief is real and that it’s important to validate, acknowledge, and name,” she says.
Unfortunately, we can hide from our grief and protect it by refusing to acknowledge its impact on our lives. When we ignore, suppress, and avoid the emotional experience of grief and loss, we lose some of our humanity and sensitivity to real pain. It is human to grieve because it is human to experience loss. Self-care is about honoring our humanity, needs, and sense of self; therefore, grief is a necessary (although troubling and stressful) experience. Below, Watson shares several ways to prioritize ourselves while honoring our grief.
Ways we can prioritize caring for ourselves as we honor our grief:
- Talk about your grief with others. Sharing with others can break the stigma and shame that can come with carrying grief in isolation. Grief is, at its core, an emotional experience that requires community care just as much as self-care. Attending a grief support group, talking to a trusted friend, or processing with a therapist can be powerful ways to remind yourself that you and your grief are not a burden and deserve care.
- Give your grief a name. We often tell stories and narratives about our grief that make it hard for us to separate from the feelings when temporary distraction is needed. By giving your grief a name, it’s easier to notice the stories, beliefs, and negative judgments that come along with it. For example, “There goes grief again with the story that I should have done something sooner.”
- Breathe. When grief leads to increased anxiety, hyperventilation, and panic, the paced breathing technique can be a helpful breathing tool to reduce stress by engaging your parasympathetic nervous system and slowing your heart rate. Try breathing in for 2-3 counts and exhaling for 4-6; exhale twice as long as you inhale. The 1:2 ratio of inhaling and exhaling mimics how we breathe at rest, tricking our body into a state of relaxation. Give this a go for 5-10 breaths at a time. Here are some breathing exercises: https://uhs.berkeley.edu/sites/default/files/breathing_exercises_0.pdf
- Prioritize art. We can prioritize our grief by integrating the emotions related to grief (anger, disappointment, sadness, shame, etc) into a creative or art practice. We often leave grief out of our play, art, and creativity because these practices are, for many, associated with memories and experiences that may remind us of the people, places, and situations we have lost. By integrating grief into our creative lives, we allow the healing from grief to be a part of our memories and experiences. Examples of creative practices to care for yourself while grieving are dancing, making music, drawing, painting, collage, photography, fashion/personal expression, etc.
- Don’t apply pressure. Release pressure to reframe your grief into gratitude or force positivity when it’s not present. Allowing yourself to feel without judgment, unnecessary limits, or urgency can be a process of true care and personal healing.
- Give yourself grace. Focus on your everyday needs, but give yourself grace if you are imperfect. Grief can swallow up our capacity to do things we normally do without thinking, like making ourselves a meal, showering, etc. Attending to our everyday needs might require more energy from us, and that’s normal. Avoid blaming yourself now, and focus on what you can do in the next 30 seconds, minutes, or five. Reducing expectations can feel like “giving up,” but offering yourself a healthy dose of compassion is key. You won’t feel this way forever, but seeing it in the moment is hard. Self-kindness can make a big difference as you heal.