Part of sexual health is enjoying good sex and having your intimacy needs met. Let’s face it, many of us aren’t there yet because of challenges within our relationships, misguided sexual beliefs, sexual trauma, or not believing we’re deserving of pleasure.
Another thing that could be standing in the way of great sex is misunderstandings you have about sexual compatibility. Like our fairytales around meeting “The one,” we sometimes assume that by finding someone attractive, you’ll have instant sexual chemistry with them and sex will be a 10 every time. However, this often isn’t the case.
Sexual compatibility has several definitions but ultimately it’s about getting on the same wavelength sexually.
According to Donna Oriowo, LICSW, M.Ed, CST, an educator and sex therapist located in Capitol Heights, Maryland, “Sexual compatibility is the space where those in a relationship have shared or similar sexual needs, desires, preferences, and a complimentary desire for sexual frequency.”
Sometimes, we get so hung up on compatibility meaning you have to be the same sexually that we don’t realize we can have different sexual needs and still be compatible. Ultimately, it’s about your ability to communicate your sexual needs and your partner’s willingness to be open enough to attempt to meet them. And vice versa. So here are a few myths regarding sexual compatibility that a trio of Black sexual therapists are dispelling.
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Myth #1: Couples Should Engage In Synchronous Sex
Wouldn’t it be nice if you and your partner were always both 100% sexually satisfied with every encounter? While it would be, this isn’t always the case according to Rachel Smith, a licensed marriage & family therapist and certified sex therapist located in Pembroke Pines, Florida.
“Although the best sex is in fact mutual and synchronous, research has found that the majority of sexual experiences are positive but asynchronous, meaning the experience may be better for one partner than the other,” she says. “Partners with a healthy sexual dynamic are open to asynchronous scenarios, realizing that not all sex needs to be mutual at the time of engagement, but should be reciprocated throughout sexual encounters.”
Smith continues to explain that research tells us there shouldn’t be a tradeoff for sexual pleasure, meaning one person shouldn’t enjoy sex at the expense of the other or the overall relationship. So you may not both experience desire, arousal, and orgasm every time you engage in intercourse, and that’s ok.
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Myth #2: A Relationship Can’t Exist and Succeed If the Couple Isn’t Sexually Compatible
A 2021 OnePoll survey of 2,000 Americans for sex toy company LELO found half of Americans in relationships said their current partner was the worst sex they’ve ever had. While this can be a deal breaker for some it doesn’t have to be. Even if a couple doesn’t seem sexually compatible initially, it can get better and they can still have a successful relationship, says Ashley Murphy, a sexual wellness and marriage and family therapist in Atlanta.
Murphy shares that the concept of sexual compatibility isn’t much different from a couple being at odds about how to parent their kids, manage finances, or distribute chores.
“What I hear when I have couples express their sexual incompatibility is that, ‘we have not quite figured out how to manage and navigate our sexual differences,’” she tells ESSENCE. “That doesn’t break or end the relationship. That creates room to explore the ways in which both partners can communicate and come to an agreed compromise.”
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Myth #3: Couples Should Have the Same Level of Desire
Smith says this is false. “It is quite common for partners to have differences in desire style,” she says.
She continues to explain that there are two different types of desire styles: spontaneous and responsive. With spontaneous desire, you may mentally and emotionally desire sex and then your body follows shortly after as you became aroused. Since sex is frequently thought about, people with a spontaneous sex style may initiate sex more often Smith explains.
On the other hand, responsive desire is the reverse–sex isn’t on the forefront of your mind when you’re responsive, but physical arousal can trigger the desire for sex. Because it’s almost out of sight, out of mind for them, they may not be huge initiators of sex.
“Differences in desire styles within a relationship requires partners to develop open and honest communication, as well as curiosity, compassion, and willingness to engage sexually,” Smith says. “Despite differences in desire styles being one of the primary reasons for couples to seek sex therapy, there are plenty of ways to work through this and find a sexual rhythm within the partnership that is suitable for both partners.”
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Myth #4: You Can’t Be Sexually Compatible With Someone You Haven’t Had Sex With
This myth can refer to people who are afraid to abstain from sex before marriage because they think they are unlikely to be sexually compatible with a future partner. It could also apply to someone who thinks sex is only enjoyable if it’s physical.
“What’s always funny to me is that many people have been socially conditioned to believe that sex only can be enjoyable if it’s physical,” Murphy says. “My greatest experiences have been with men who I connected with on a spiritual and mindful level.”
Murphy shares that she tried tantric sex during a trip to Tulum and it transformed her sex life. “Tantric sex is a Hindu practice where the goal of the sexual experience isn’t to orgasm, it is to create an intimate connection with your partner where mindfulness and being in the moment is the most important act of the sexual journey. It has proven to be the most enjoyable sex I have ever experienced and I’ve experienced a lot of variances when it comes to sex,” she says.
For anyone curious about how tantric sex works, it’s performed like a form of physical yoga. You incorporate techniques such as breathing, sound and movement to heighten intimacy and sensuality between you and a partner.
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Myth #5: You Must Have the Same Sex Drive to Be Sexually Compatible
Everyone has a different libido, and sometimes you and your partner won’t align on this. That doesn’t mean it’s time to throw in the towel. Instead, it may be time to put in more effort. Sometimes, you may start out having a similar libido and then end up being misaligned because life happens, says Oriowo. She explains that some things will make you more keen on having sex, while other life events can slow down your sex drive.
“Stressors, life circumstances, dealing with racism, sexism, etc. These are things that can press on the brakes and lower sexual desire,” she says. On the flip side, she says things like gentle touch, kisses, dates, and travel can rev up your sex drive. A good example of this is that during the peak of COVID in China, young people had sex less frequently. But in Singapore, married couples had more sex during lockdown, and that continued post-lockdown.
That said, because you may not always be on the same page as your partner as it relates to sex drive, it means you may have to be more intentional about putting one another in the mood.
“Sexual spontaneity is life’s great lie that keeps a lot of us outside at the bedroom, wondering where our sex life went,” says Oriowo. “You have to actually put in effort. And sometimes that means scheduling sex and making it as sexy as possible.”
