Open relationships aren’t a new concept but they’re still often stereotyped and taboo to some. In a society rooted in monogamous values, daring to challenge norms and think outside the box when it comes to who and how you love tends to ruffle feathers.
What is the true definition of an open relationship anyway? According to a 2023 Pew Research study on the modern American family, it’s when both parties agree to see or have romantic and/or intimate relations with other people. An agreed upon “entanglement” some might say. Michele Leno, Ph.D., LP, a Detroit native, licensed psychologist, and owner of DML Psychological Services, has a similar definition.
“An open relationship is an intimate partnership that allows partners to explore outside relationships. It is the more liberal form of a traditional relationship,” she says.
Open relationships aren’t all that uncommon despite being a sure conversation starter and sometimes igniter of heated discussion. According to 2017 research by the National Library of Medicine, approximately one out of every five single adults in the United States have participated in a consensual non-monogamous relationship at some point in their lives.
People are mostly divided when it comes to whether or not open marriages are a hell yes, a maybe, or a hell no. The Pew Research study mentioned above says half of Americans think open marriages are somewhat or completely unacceptable. A third, or 23% of Americans surveyed, say open marriages are completely acceptable while 11% say they are somewhat acceptable. Men were more likely to say the latter.
No matter which side of the moral battleground you stand on, open relationships are happening. If you’re intrigued by the concept, here’s what you should know about it and what to consider.
Contemplating an Open Relationship
A starting point for open relationships may be asking yourself whether you’re even open relationship material. That’s an important first step because they aren’t for everyone, says Leno.
“If the mere thought of your significant other looking at someone else bothers you, you’re not fit for an open relationship, which is perfectly fine,” she says. “This is not something that one should force or talk themselves into.”
If you’ve decided monogamy isn’t your default, think about why. Perhaps you’ve struggled to be faithful in the past or your beliefs have changed about their being a single love of your life. Maybe traditional relationships make you feel stuck.
“Some find a traditional relationship oppressive, and sharing a partner does not trigger them,” she shares. “They tend to believe that giving their partner permission to explore improves their chances of staying together.”
Deciding on Terms and Conditions
The reality is that open relationships can look different for everyone. However, the main tenet is that partners have an understanding that monogamy is not core to the relationship.
If an open relationship is something you want to pursue, first decide what that would look like for you. Write out a list of things that would make the relationship work and some deal breakers too. For instance, you may be ok with hookups but not emotional bonding. Leno says some unspoken rules that people should consider include not being seen in public with other parties and always prioritizing your partner. Also, avoid vacations and taking on financial responsibility for someone other than your main partner, she adds. On the flip side, perhaps those are things you’d be fine with. Just be clear about what aligns with your values.
If you’re unsure about what terms and conditions you’d like, poke your head into forums about open relationships or join online groups. A little birdie said there may be a few on Facebook. Also, seek out non-judgmental spaces where you can ask questions and see healthy examples of open relationships.
Once you know exactly what you want, it’ll be easier to look for that or communicate your desires to your partner.
Keeping the Lines of Communication Open
Every relationship requires honest, open and kind communication. It can become even more critical when the relationship is open. You want to ensure the trust between you and your partner is strong. That requires communicating clearly about how things will work as well as expectations and boundaries. You can do this through an initial conversation in addition to regular check-ins.
As it relates to the latter, find out how your partner is feeling about the relationship and whether any unexpected emotional attachments have sprouted, says Leno.
“An open relationship without open communication will feel a lot like a cheating relationship,” she says.
Remember, just because the relationship is open, it doesn’t mean you aren’t still committed to one another. But what happens when you’re already in a monogamous relationship and find that you want to open it up? You put on your adult briefs or panties and communicate.
“There is no easy way to tell your partner that you want an open relationship,” says Leno. “Be direct because there is no sugarcoating this type of request. Be prepared to answer the ‘who? what? why?’ questions. This may even offend your partner if they are more traditional.”
Giving them time to think about it is also important, she adds.
At some point, you may realize open relationships don’t interest you anymore. If so, it’s ok to double back, spin the block and revisit your feelings with your partner. Again, communication is essential at all stages. Just know there is a risk that you and your significant other may end up on different pages about whether to leave the relationship open or closed, and this could lead you to a crossroads.
“There are times when you may have to move on because your relationship interest has changed and your partner’s has not,” Leno says.
As with every relationship, open ones require work, commitment and honesty. Kudos to those who have the courage to honor their needs within a relationship even if it means going against the grain.