Is it possible to be tethered emotionally and spiritually to romantic partners? If you ask some people, they will say, unfortunately, yes. Suppose you grew up in deeply staunch religious settings. In that case, you might have heard about the perils of “soul ties,” which could have led to feelings of shame and doubt around sexuality, and many of us were told by church elders or even close family members that having multiple sex partners and sexual experiences was promiscusic, and could lead to being permanently emotionally to connected said sexual partner(s). But, as we deepen our sexual practices and become exploratory, we’re wondering if soul ties actually a thing?
What are soul ties? According to Dr. Nikki Coleman, soul ties come from New Age spirituality and have been co-opted into broader Christian beliefs and teachings. Some folks refer to “soul ties” as being a deep emotional, oftentimes “unexplainable” or “unlike any other” connection they have with someone. However, there is no explicit mention of the term or concept of “soul ties” in the Bible, but some passages can be interpreted as strong spiritual connections. “In the Black community, ‘soul ties’ have become synonymous with heterosexual intercourse outside of marriage. In this way, the concept is a new way to instill a sense of control and shame about exploring and experiencing oneself as a sexual being,” Coleman says.
Unfortunately, the term has been used to justify toxic relationship patterns such as co-dependency, emotional manipulation, and sexual coercion. “The thinking is that if there is a “soul tie”, then experiences of disconnection, asserting boundaries, a change of heart about the relationship, emotional hurt or harm, should all be worked through, dismissed, or forgiven because the “soul tie” is a bigger expression of God’s plan for the person. While sex can be deeply spiritual, transcendent, and, healing, it does not mean that it is always a spiritual exchange,” she says.
Brittany Broaddus-Smith, founder The Intimacy Firm and Christian sexologist believes that conversation around soul ties is deeply ingrained in Christian discourse, particularly within the Black church – and says the ideology is often damning than discipling. Mainly because soul tie enthusiasts don’t do a good job delineating the difference between godly and ungodly connections. As mentioned, even though the term isn’t explicitly mentioned in the Bible, the concept is evident throughout the bible. Still, it doesn’t necessarily have anything to do with sexual intercourse with multiple partners. “Genesis 2:24 speaks of becoming “one flesh, and 1 Samuel 18:1speaks of the friendship between Jonathan and David, where their souls were “knit” together,” Broaddus-Smith notes. However, today’s society on social media, has taken the soul ties out of context – focusing on the “body count” of sexual partners.
She argues that using “soul tie” as a catch-all for any emotional response to a relationship, sexual or otherwise, is dangerous to spiritual formation. “Labeling everything as spiritual bondage or moral failure keeps people from healing what may actually be poor coping skills, anxious attachment, or just your average, everyday, run-of-the-mill heartbreak. It also hinders accountability for poor decision-making. Is this a soul tie, or is it the result of unmet expectations in a situationship cosplaying as a covenant?,” Broaddus-Smith adds.
However, it’s important to note that the elders weren’t necessarily wrong for urging caution and chaste living, as abstinence, sexual stewardship, and monogamy are foundational Christian values. But Broaddus-Smith says the devil is in the details (pun intended). “Fear has never been an effective method of discipleship. These tactics might lead to compliance, but never to transformation. In the life of a believer, guilt and shame shouldn’t be your guide; discernment through the Holy Spirit should. What is relevant here is how this soul tie mindset continues to rob Christians of pleasure and intimacy. By directly associating them with sex and partnership alone, the idea is continuously perpetuated that marriage is the only place where you get to feel good and be fully seen, especially for women. And ironically, that messaging pushes believers deeper into the very behaviors and relationships they are being warned against,” she says.
Candice Nicole Hargons agrees that soul ties don’t have to be sexual or rooted in religion. “To be fair, I think we’re soul tied to every living thing on Earth, and it doesn’t matter if we’ve had a sexual relationship or not. For some people, having sex with someone can intentionally or unintentionally deepen their feelings of emotional connection to someone, but that just isn’t the case for everyone, especially not permanently. It’s always important to consider when someone is bringing up the idea of soul ties and how they’re using it,” she states.
Hargons believes that if the concept of soul ties is being used to scare someone, then that’s something to be skeptical of. Additionally, the idea is usually only directed toward heterosexual girls and women as a way to get them to be more discerning about who they have sex with. “You shouldn’t scare someone into discernment. Instead, you can give girls and women scientifically and psychologically accurate information and let them make sexual decisions from an informed place,” she shares.
On the other hand, sex researcher and expert, Dr. Shemeka Thorpe, doesn’t believe soul ties are real, and if mentioned, it doesn’t have any religious connection. “I think someone can be strongly emotionally connected to someone as a result of sex. When I have heard people refer to soul ties, they are often not discussing it within the confines of religion, but the fact that if they have sex with someone, their spirit is automatically tied to another person because of a transference of energy and emotions,” Thorpe shares.
She adds, “Even for people who are not religious, the reference to soul ties focuses on spirit and emotional connection. Therefore, I think there is often a myth that people are soul-tied to one another. Still, in reality, they are creating deep emotional connections through sex because of their underlying romantic desires.”
Hargons notes that there isn’t anything wrong with seeing sex as a way to feel more connected to a partner, but using the idea of soul ties to scare people from having sex at all is not a healthy approach. Instead, she suggests normalizing informed sexual decision-making and autonomy alongside consensual sex and the responsibility to know yourself well enough to gauge whether sex will stir up emotions you’re not yet prepared to work with.
It’s important to remember that everyone’s spiritual beliefs are deeply personal and complicated. Coleman suggests that if you feel a sense of conflict between what your religious beliefs are and your sexual desires, first honor those feelings with self-compassion. “Ultimately, each person has to decide what makes the most sense for themselves. If you experience shame or guilt around your sexuality, I think an education about sex, sexuality, and our bodies is equally important as religious education,” she shares. “Knowing that our bodies are designed for erotic pleasure that we can give ourselves is an important part of finding the balance between what the church/mosque teaches and what you want for yourself. Meaning if your education about sex is only from the church, you have a limited or skewed understanding. A non-secular, biological, social education about sexuality is a necessary counterbalance.”
