Public polyamory is rising. Ne-Yo, Kofi Sirobie, Willow Smith and AJ Johnson have all opened up about preferring non-monogamous romances. TLC’s new series, Polyfamily, will premiere in April. A report from dating app BLK also found that “Polyamory isn’t mainstream yet—but curiosity is growing,” noting that “28% of Black singles are open to it.”
“Of course they do. And I answer them. Honestly,” said Ne-Yo in a recent interview about his children inquiring about his lifestyle. “Again, I’m not lying to nobody, not even my children.”
He added, “It’s like, ‘Hey, this is daddy’s girlfriend. And so is that and so is that. And so is that.”
Jasmine Johnson, a married mother of four, is open about practicing ethical non-monogamy. “I didn’t discover this capacity for these types of relationships until I was about in my 30s,” she says. She had two daughters at the time. who were six and 10. Johnson spoke to them about the relationship style by “just sort of opening up the idea that a person can love more than one person.”
A 2023 article in The Journal of Family Theory & Review reported that “The growing recognition of consensual non-monogamy (CNM) as a relational practice has been a major development in the diversifying landscape of relationships and families.” In 2021, Frontiers in Psychology described the practice as “common,” saying a “sizable” portion of adults living in the U.S. and Canada have tried or were in this type of relationship.
As for how Johnson’s kids took it, she recalls that her six-year-old daughter wasn’t fazed. “She didn’t really care,” she remembers. “She listened to what I was saying, but she didn’t really want to engage.” She has since had a son, who has reacted differently to her non-monogamous relationship style. “He’s more curious,” she explains. If she or her husband goes out while the other stays home, their son has questions.
“My son will sometimes bring up these very monogamous ideas that have been placed on him through television shows and media. I have to remind him I enjoy the company of other people and yes, ‘Of course, Daddy knows about my other friends,’” says Johnson.
For example, she explained to her son that she doesn’t know how to play chess and her husband’s “friend” does, so they play together, and she’s fine with that. Similarly, her spouse is okay with her going out dancing with her “friends.”
“The cool thing about our family is we have a mom and a dad and lots of lots of amazing friends that we share love with,” she adds. “We use the language of ‘friends’ because that’s what they are.”
Seeing parents date, whatever the relationship style, can be perplexing. Cassandra Raphael, MD, MPH, board-certified child, adolescent, and adult psychiatrist, recommends not introducing any partner to a child unless they’re going to be a family fixture. “It’s best to introduce a new grown-up when you are confident that that grown-up is going to be around for quite a while,” she shares. “The stability and attachment that children have with their grown-ups can be compromised in [the] future if in their early relationships, they feel like the relationship to grown-ups are kind of fleeting.”
Polyamory should also be discussed in an age and developmentally appropriate manner, according to mental health professionals like Stacey Younge, a licensed clinical social worker behind the practice Sixth Street Wellness. “The conversation you’re going to have with a 5-year-old is going to be very different than the conversation you’re going to have with a 9-year-old than you’re going to have with a 15-year-old,” she says.
Media can help with this. The children’s book A Color Named Love introduces little readers to polyamorous family dynamics. Deidre Morgan, LCSW, who specializes in therapeutic support of children, also recommends you avoid pretending that your new partner is just a platonic friend if behavior indicates otherwise. She also suggests resisting the urge to “code the conversation” by identifying the partner as something they’re not. According to Morgan, “It almost can feel like they’ve been betrayed or lied to.” Mainstream culture can embed ideas into children before topics are broached at home. Therefore, it may not be much of a shock to open up about polyamory with your children. “Kids know more than what we give them credit for,” says Morgan. “They pay attention.”
Johnson agrees. “It can be very confusing because we do assign different responsibilities and expectations for those roles. So if you’re dating ‘Auntie so and so’ and ‘Auntie so and so’ goes away because y’all are not dating anymore, then what does that say about family?” She recalled how previous generations did this often to obscure romances.
“We have seen these relationships growing up. That wasn’t just mom’s best friend that was her lover,” Johnson says of the prevalence of using codified language as parents when sharing about one’s private life. “We do have to be very careful as well because our children have to go out into this world and have connections with people who may not operate in the same space as your family. I think that is why oftentimes people have these codified languages or have tried to figure out ways to not to expose the truth, even if they can trust that their child could handle it.”
A 2018 article published in the British Sociological Association reported that “In particular, poly parenting has been subject to tabooisation and scandalisation.” And according to psychotherapist Meg-John Barker’s interview with The Guardian from 2020 on the topic, “There’s no reason to believe that monogamy is any better [or worse] than other family structures – of which poly families are just one.”
That’s how Ne-Yo views it as well. “She gonna make you some cereal. She gonna cook lunch. And she gonna wash your clothes.’ And it’s all good,” he told Rickey Smiley. “It’s family. It’s community. That’s what it’s about.”
Any pushback you might receive when discussing it with your child could convey a need. It’s all about genuinely listening to understand what it is. Sometimes, it’s reassurance that this relationship style won’t impact the lifestyle the child has become comfortable with. Reassuring her kids matters to Johnson. “Going on a date with someone else doesn’t mean that Mom or Dad are not going to be home for dinner,” she says.
It’s also important to consider who you are in community with when deciding how to approach polyamory in your family. “Normally, kids only know that their household is different in comparison to other people,” explains Younge.
Raphael agrees. “It can be a very isolated experience to feel like no one else understands what you’re going through. And children who are still forming their own identities, it’s especially important for them to see that other people kind of share this lived experience.”
That said, communing with other families with similar dynamics in family-friendly settings could offer the affirming representation needed, should you want to embrace polyamory and bring your brood along for the ride.
“It would be amazing if there was like a poly day at Disney World,” says Johnson. “It would still just look like a bunch of people and their kids.”
