If you constantly ruminate on your partner’s past and compare previous relationships, it might be hindering your current relationship’s growth. You may also be experiencing retroactive jealousy, which is a form of jealousy that arises after a person enters a new romantic relationship and focuses on their partner’s past relationships. Retroactive jealousy involves an unhealthy fixation with the partner’s former partners, which can lead to intrusive thoughts, insecurity, and even relationship problems.
According to psychotherapist Meghan Watson, there’s no such thing as a “bad emotion,” including jealousy. “Emotions are signals—they invite us to explore, process, and understand what’s happening within us,” she shares. Watson suggests that rather than trying to “overcome” or “get rid of” retroactive jealousy, which can often make it linger, it’s more helpful to approach it with curiosity. “When we see emotions as problems to be solved, we risk falling into a cycle of avoidance and frustration. Instead, allowing emotions to come and go—without judgment—can help us build a healthier relationship with them,” she states.
Relationship expert Beverley Andre believes that dealing with retroactive jealousy starts with people permitting themselves to feel without judgment so their feelings don’t hurt their partner. “It’s normal for someone to feel uneasy about their partner’s past, but when those thoughts start to take over and cause distress, it presents an opportunity to self-reflect or even work through this with a therapist. What’s coming up for them? Is this about their partner’s past, or is it tapping into their fears, like not feeling good enough and falling into a comparison trap? Getting clear on the core issue allows a person to shift their focus from their partner’s history to what they need emotionally in the relationship,” she states.
Andre continues,” When intrusive thoughts pop up, it helps to challenge them by identifying whether their thoughts are facts or their insecurity talking. It can be grounding to remind themselves that their partner is here, choosing them every day. Feelings of jealousy don’t make someone wrong; they remind them they’re human. If it feels emotionally safe, inviting their partner into their thoughts can build trust, understanding, and support. The goal isn’t to gather more details about the past but to honestly share their feelings and further ground themselves into the present relationship. Unless actual experiences have impacted trust in the relationship, the past is not a threat but part of the individual’s story.”
How it can affect relationships:
According to Watson, retroactive jealousy distracts from the present: It can pull focus away from the parts of your relationship that bring joy, contentment, and peace of mind, keeping you stuck in the past.
Signal disconnection: Constantly bringing up a partner’s past can make them feel judged or misunderstood, signaling that you’re more focused on what’s wrong than building your future together.
Creates trust issues: It can keep relationships in a trust deadlock, as the past can’t be changed or resolved. This can lead to ongoing insecurity and tension.
Reopens old wounds: Retroactive jealousy can trigger memories of past distrustful or deceptive relationships, amplifying feelings of insecurity and fear.
Fuels existing insecurities and self-doubt: It keeps you comparing yourself to your partner’s exes, making it hard to feel confident, present, and engaged in your current relationship. This can hinder effective communication, intimacy, and the creation of shared memories.
Here’s how to navigate this type of jealousy, according to Watson:
Notice and name. The first step is awareness. Notice when you’re feeling insecure, having intrusive thoughts, or experiencing emotional stress about your partner’s past. Acknowledging these feelings without judgment is key.
Check the facts. Ask yourself if your worries are based on actual events or assumptions. Our minds can play tricks on us, so it’s essential to reality-test your thoughts. Are there actual concerns to address, or is this stemming from insecurity?
Understand the root. Jealousy is often a sign of frustrated longing or desire. It can reveal deeper insecurities about how we see ourselves, what we want, and what we feel we lack—getting clear on what you genuinely wish to do can help you move toward solutions rather than staying stuck in unhelpful rumination.
Reflect on your history of trust. Consider whether past experiences—romantic or platonic—might influence your feelings. If so, bring this to a therapist or trusted confidante to explore and heal without involving your partner. This allows you to address personal wounds without projecting them onto your relationship.
Practice open communication. It’s still important to communicate openly with your partner, but do so thoughtfully. Share your feelings without blaming or accusing them.
