Contrary to popular social media opinion, women in serious relationships and marriages don’t “owe” their partners sex. You wouldn’t know that though based on some of the commentary found in a few comment sections of videos shared online. In those clips, women do parody videos about being too tired for sex after wrangling children all day, or having to sleep with their partners, as part of a deal made, after they completed a tough household chore. In addition to there being users sharing how much they can relate or methods they use to fit in “sexy time” when exhausted, there are also some, usually male voices, that share how treating sex like a task on a long list of responsibilities could be cause for them to get what they need elsewhere. The ol’ “If you don’t do it somebody will” guilt trip.
But if you’ve ever been low on sleep, time, and energy and been given the eye by your partner, you’re well aware of how hard it can be to get yourself in the mood, even for a brief romp, or have felt the tiredness you need to put to the side temporarily when choosing to do a roll in the hay anyway. And recent studies have shown that about 70 percent of people have been too exhausted to have intercourse after a long day at work. Nevertheless, sex and intimacy are obviously a crucial part of relationships and you can’t say “Not tonight” too many times. To help you bring some fire and desire back while you attempt to not drown in the monotony of parental responsibilities, work expectations, home duties and more, we spoke with an expert about this issue. Sophia Murphy, DBH, director of wellness at TBD Health and certified sex coach from the Sexology Institute in San Antonio is sharing advice on ways to center sex in your relationship when life’s many needs seem to be stifling your libido.
ESSENCE: What are ways that parents can reprioritize sex when they’re overwhelmed by work, kids and a lack of rest?
Sophia Murphy, DBH: The first step is acknowledging what’s going on so that making a change can be the priority. So often I hear clients talk about the expectations they have of themselves, which are impossible to maintain when there are too many competing demands for time and energy. I’ve heard parents explain all the things they “can’t” do like ask a family member or neighbor for help, decline an event, or even tell their children “no” for a specific activity. All of this because they think they “should” be able to manage it all. When parents acknowledge this pattern, they’re more equipped to decide how they want to spend their time and energy, which can allow them to reprioritize things like rest and intimacy. This also requires vulnerable conversations in the relationships so each person can share how they really feel, especially when other tasks continue to take priority. It’s helpful when people can share and be heard without “shoulds” or “supposed to” language.
How should couples work through moments where one party might be in the mood but the other isn’t? How can they navigate that disappointment and try to get on the same page for future opportunities?
I encourage partners to have these conversations when they’re not in the moment. Ironically, it can be hard to articulate how you’re feeling when emotions are running high, especially if this skill is not practiced regularly. Try to be proactive instead of reactive. If partners fall into a pattern of mis-matched desire, it’s important to address it when they’re not in the moment of trying to have sex. Assertive communication here is the key. Use “I feel ___” language such as “I feel ____ (emotion word), when you ____ (behavior).” Try to minimize and eventually avoid “You ____” language, which includes blame and shame.
When I work with partners experiencing mis-matched desire, we spend a good amount of time defining and sometimes redefining sex. Many heterosexual partners specifically tell me that sex is only penis-vagina intercourse, which robs them of many other options for intimate connection. Regardless of gender, I’ve seen similar themes where people define sex very narrowly, which can add to distress around “not having enough sex” or thinking that if I want ____ and my partner doesn’t, then we just don’t have sex at all. Exploring all the ways partners can feel close to each other is a great start. Sometimes, cuddling alone can bridge a gap when one person is in the mood. Sensual touch without any expectation of penetration or even trying to reach orgasm is another great technique to improve connection. I’ve also worked with partners where we needed to explore options such as old fashioned making out, oral sex or shared masturbation. This can allow partners to reconnect in a way where intercourse isn’t the “goal” or have one partner give pleasure if they’re not in the mood to receive. Also, being able to simply witness their partner experience pleasure can also be incredibly erotic and intimate for all parties involved.
It’s also important to recognize that there will simply be times when one partner feels disappointed and that doesn’t have to be the end of the world. We can validate the other partner’s feelings without taking responsibility for it. We don’t want to ever push someone into engaging sexually when they’re not in the mood or comfortable.
Is scheduling sex a good idea?
This depends on the partners involved. Typically, I do suggest at least trying this because of the pace of our lives in Western culture. We schedule nearly everything, which leaves very little room for spontaneity. Some partners find the idea erotic because it creates an opportunity to fantasize, look forward to it, even flirt and build up to the “main event.” I’ve also heard clients state that it became fuel for anxiety because it seemed like “pressure” to be in the mood at a specific day and time. There’s nothing wrong with trying this out and just seeing how partners feel.
How important are conversations about ways that parents can better share responsibilities to improving a couple’s sex life?
These are incredibly important conversations to have. Even separate from sex and raising children specifically, the concept of equity in relationships is a common theme for disagreement. Responsibilities might not be equal but they can be equitable with clear communication of boundaries.
In my clinical experience, many people enter into partnerships with decades’ worth of assumptions and expectations while engaging in minimal explicit conversations of these very things. There are dominant narratives about “who does what” in a relationship, especially when it comes to parenting. Sometimes these “work” by accident and often they don’t. Any assumptions can become problematic when partners are not actively checking in and ensuring that the set up is still working. Life can throw curveballs where one partner may suddenly be doing something, including tasks, covering finances, taking on a responsibility, and this can be manageable when it’s discussed openly and not simply expected. It also helps when partners are skilled at sharing feelings and requesting changes that can be met with support instead of criticism. Working collaboratively and being flexible allows for partners to adjust responsibilities as needed.
Any other tips you would like to offer to spice things up?
Talk to each other! The biggest thing I see in working with clients is the lack of communication. So often people assume that their partners know what they’re thinking and what they want. So many people may not know what they like sexually or assume that because of love and a committed relationship, sex will “just work” and it will work the same way “forever.” People change and it’s OK to have sexual desires change too. With life stress, changing roles, even changes in our bodies, we may want to try new things sexually or move away from old patterns. The more we allow our partners to evolve as well as ourselves, the more relationships can evolve together.
Do some research and see what’s out there. We can update old narratives and expand our understanding of sexuality, which can unlock new parts of us. In a safe relationship, it can help to go on this journey together.