Season seven of the Real Housewives of Potomac is bringing the drama. Need to catch up? Well, there’s a lot to unpack, so we will only give you a splash of tea. We’ve been on the journey to matrimony with Robyn and Juan Dixon, the soon-to-be remarried couple who divorced in 2012. During the season-opening episode, things got interesting when Robyn said: “I want to talk to Juan about possibly getting a prenup.”
Prenups tend to be taboo, and watching the Dixons navigate the conversation on camera emphasized just that. Because the duo are public figures, the prenup discourse feels like it comes with the territory. However, historically in pop culture and beyond, we’ve seen the prenup chatter initiated by the male partner. So this is uncharted but necessary territory to explore, especially with the number of newly engaged couples planning their wedding for the new year.
Which begs the question: should prenups be a standard discussion if marriage is on the horizon since money issues are the second leading cause of divorce? To get the answer, we went to the experts—Kerease L. Epps, a family law attorney at Chicago-based firm Beermann and Marsha Barnes, financial commentator and founder of The Finance Bar—to get some guidance.
But before we jump into the hush-hush world of prenups, Barnes wants us to start in a more familiar place. “What’s most important for Black women is to have a clear view of their partner’s financial standing,” she tells ESSENCE. So what does that mean? Barnes says this includes understanding their financial habits, their core values related to money (think: financial security for their family, professional growth, etc.), and what level of debt they may have. Check!
Now let’s get into all things prenup.
So, what is a prenup?
We’ve all heard the word tossed around mostly when watching the breakdown of celebrity marriages or in movies where one party—typically a man—is much wealthier than their soon-to-be spouse. However, prenups are impactful for everyone regardless of status. Here’s why. “Specifically for Black millennials, I think it’s essential because it removes the government from your business,” Epps tells ESSENCE.
For example, Epps explains in Illinois, money earned after marriage is marital. “So it doesn’t matter if that money is going into an account that just has your name on it [or] the money is going into an account that just has your partner’s name on it. The law looks at it as all one pot,” she says. So when you hear split 50/50, the government decides how your financial assets should be divided by law.
What does a prenup protect?
“With a prenup, the parties can enter into a contractual agreement as it pertains to all of their assets,” Epps explains. However, prenups aren’t one-size-fits-all. Instead, they are unique to each couple and their needs. For Black women entering marriage more established, Epps advises giving a prenup some thought.
“We typically have more assets when we’re getting married,” she says. “Whether we’re coming in with stock from our jobs, high paying jobs, owning condos, owning a house, [and even] student loan debt, it’s essential,” she continues.
Additionally, Barnes points out that prenups, in many cases, protect the lifestyle that you are marrying into.
“[For] example, if you plan on being a stay-at-home mom and happen to get divorced, a prenup may protect you from the financial damage that can occur if you are not privy to income from the marriage,” she shares. She also notes that a prenup can protect your children’s futures and the assets you own and plan to pass down before entering a new union, so there’s no guesswork (or legal battle) later.
Planning for the future is OK while you’re in love and during your marriage
Getting your finances squared away before a walk down the aisle can feel unromantic or like you don’t trust your partner, but planning for the worst-case scenario is not a jinx on your pending union. Epps says that planning for the future can make you and your partner stronger.
“At the very least, having the conversation about the prenup is an exercise in full transparency. It can only strengthen your marriage because you’re coming into the marriage on equal footing with full transparency and full disclosure,” she says. For Epps, this is less about the worst-case scenario becoming a reality and more about planning for things we cannot control the same way we invest in everyday bumpers like car or flight insurance.
“You buy car insurance not thinking you’re going to have a car accident. Some things exist outside our control. So we always prepare ourselves for the worse but hope for the best, she says.
How do you talk about prenups with a partner?
So here comes the tricky part. If you are nervous about bringing up the idea of a prenup, Barnes says to start with a discussion about financial values and each of your current financial standing. “This cracks the door open for healthy dialogue instead of kicking it open with the first conversation being around prenups,” she says.
She also suggests having consistent money dates; a planned sit down to talk about money. She says this can help ease financial anxiety for you both. Epps also recommends talking about a prenup early and often. We know it’s not sexy to talk about money or prenups, for that matter. But these conversations, both experts say, are necessary—even if the latter carries a stigma.
Let go of the Stigma
Because the general point of view on prenups is that they’re exclusively for the wealthy and famous, we understand why most people don’t think prenups are for them. Barnes says this fuels the stigma. “We don’t know what we don’t know, even in our closest and most loving relationships,” she tells us. “Removing thoughts of it’s only for the wealthy from our minds expands our thoughts to a greater understanding of our financial responsibilities and assets, what they are for our partner, and how to protect ourselves in the future if a divorce should happen,” she states.
Prenups are still reasonably new, so do your research. You can schedule one-on-one time with an attorney, talk with your partner, and take your time to decide what’s right for you. Like forming a long-lasting relationship, don’t rush this process. However, be mindful of all the pros and cons.