Interacting with your family can be difficult at times. There are different personalities to deal with, past hurts to navigate, and favoritism amongst micro-groups in your family, which can make navigating family dynamics stressful and anxiety-inducing. According to the associate therapist at Bloom Psychology & Wellness, Dominique Mortier, “It can be challenging to distinguish which emotions are ours versus someone else’s, especially regarding family. We grow up adopting our family’s values and beliefs, but this changes when we arrive at an age where we can question how we resonate with values and beliefs,” she says.
Mortier continues, “Family members can displace their emotions onto you with constant reminders, verbalizing potentially negative outcomes, and providing examples of how you may not have met their expectations. All of which may cause anxiety. Anxiety is a feeling of fear, dread, and uneasiness.”
But what are the signs that your family is giving you anxiety, and how do we combat those unwanted feelings of dread when it comes to interacting with them?
According to Mortier, here are some ways to tell that your family is making you anxious:
You are expecting a negative outcome or response to a decision. For example, if you share a decision with a family member, they emphasize how it would be harmful rather than communicating a balanced perspective.
You are preoccupied with thoughts of how you can be ‘enough’ for your family. For example, focusing on experiences where you have not met their expectations regardless of whether they are unrealistic.
Feelings of not belonging and believing you do not fit in with your family. An example of this would be attending a family event to avoid conflict but feeling more comfortable being elsewhere.
Hesitating to respond to a phone call or text message due to feeling fearful or dread that you may be unable to meet their needs or not wanting to take on the usual drama. This can be especially true for folks who have challenges communicating boundaries.
You fear there will be a punishment or negative consequence to setting boundaries or saying no. For example, whenever you say ‘no’ to a request or refuse to conform to expectations, the family member could withdraw support or blame you for being ungrateful.
You feel unpleasant or negative emotions from interacting with certain family members.
When their responses or reactions create an environment that feels physically or emotionally unsafe to express how you feel or what you need from them. For example, hesitating to introduce new people to the family.
Some ways to alleviate feelings of anxiety:
Identify your emotions and listen to what they have to say. Our emotions give us information and negative emotions often communicate that we have unmet needs.
Maintaining boundaries by letting our family members experience the consequences of breaking a boundary. For example, if you have communicated to a family member that you feel threatened or anxious when they raise their voice at you, a natural consequence could be that you will not continue the conversation with them or leave the room.
Communicating physical or emotional discomfort in the moment. The aim is to increase their awareness of how their behavior impacts you.
Creating physical or emotional space from family members who do not respect your boundaries. This looks different for each person and can include being mindful of spending time with them and being selective on which topics are safe to discuss.