“What is the meaning of all this, Jackie?” lives in many of our heads rent-free. This one-liner and many other viral clips come from Bobby Goldstein’s classic show Cheaters, which launched in 2000.
However, it’s the dawn of a new era, as we’ve passed the baton to a new kid on the block: MTV’s Caught In The Act: Unfaithful. Like Cheaters, this television series helps suspecting lovers expose their unfaithful partners. The show is set to launch season two on September 17.
Caught In The Act: Unfaithful is hosted by actress and reality television star Tami Roman, who is well-versed in the painful experience of infidelity. If you’re a dedicated Basketball Wives fan, you may have seen Roman’s experience with cheating play out on national television when rumors of her ex-husband, NBA player Kenny Anderson, cheating allegations surfaced. The Girl in the Closet actress has turned that traumatic experience into an empowering one by choosing to host the MTV series and guide other couples going through similar ordeals. Roman, currently married to Reggie Youngblood, has made it to the other side of infidelity and crafted her version of happily ever after.
We spoke with Roman about what she’s learned from her experiences with unfaithful partners, her stance on cheating, and what we can expect in season two.
ESSENCE: So tell me, what about this opportunity jumped out at you?
When they explained to me about really addressing relationships, helping people navigate, and finding the truth in their relationships, I couldn’t help but say yes. Because I had been in a relationship with infidelity, where I felt like I had been bamboozled into believing one thing while something else was going on, I said, “Absolutely.”
Once we shot the pilot, I knew. I said, “I want to be in this for the long haul because it’s the closest thing to a talk show. I’m talking to real people going through real situations and then trying to counsel them and advise them and help them navigate what they’re experiencing.” It was a no-brainer.
Tami Roman: How have your personal experiences with cheating helped you to bring your role as a host of the show to life?
I had to recover. I’m gonna keep it 1000%. And there were multiple relationships. I know a lot of people talk about my ex-husband, and that was just a time in his life and my life when we were emotionally immature, but there have been multiple situations where there’s been infidelity.
For a long time, I had the thought process that all men cheat. It’s just a matter of when they’re going to do it. And through this show, seeing people at the starting phase, you’re pouring into somebody. You’re loving them. You’re giving them your all, and then realizing there isn’t reciprocity. That’s the beginning. Tami Roman, as she said today, is at the end of that process, healing from the trauma and then realizing that there is love out there once you learn who you are as an individual. You learn to set boundaries.
You learn to recognize your nonnegotiables, and then the mate that is befitting of that will eventually find you. And so, you know, there’s love out there, but sometimes you gotta go through the trials and tribulations to get to it.
Absolutely—I’m a firm believer of that. So, I want to quickly come back to something you just said, which is that all men cheat because I know a lot of women believe that. Now that you’re at the end of your journey as you just described, do you still hold that sentiment?
I don’t. I think the men I was coming in contact with were not mature and emotionally intelligent. I think that they are coming from traumatic events themselves, which caused them to act a certain way in [the] relationship. And we have to understand, specifically, in our community, there is a lot of trauma from childhood and upbringing. And unless a person has healed from that, then they’re going to bring those same behaviors into every situation, which is why I said you have to find the person that’s befitting of the narrative you’re now creating for yourself, and you’ll be able to recognize it instantaneously once you’re clear.
So I don’t think that all men cheat. I think that there are good men out there who understand the covenant of relationships, the commitment it takes, the responsibility required to take on another person’s healing journey, another person’s love, another person’s views on commitment. You just gotta find that person. Or let me say that they have to find you because you ain’t out here trying to be chosen. You want to be doing the choosing.
I know that’s right. Now, I think you also have a unique experience because you are on reality television and had your relationship play out very publicly. How do you feel like choosing to go on this show and publicly open up your relationship can affect the healing process? Because you can reconcile after cheating, but do you think it being so public makes it more difficult?
I think that every opportunity is an opportunity for people to learn. And what I mean by that is coming on this show, we live in a world now where everybody’s living their truth, whatever that is. Right? So nothing is embarrassing. Nothing is taboo.
Nothing is, “Oh, we can’t say that.” So this is the perfect avenue and platform for you to say, “Hey. I think something’s going on in my relationship.” Then, the world will see how all that plays out and how you navigate the journey, which can be educational.
Because within that process of you going through the process, you’re educating people on certain red flags, certain behaviors that have changed that you may not have acknowledged. And now you find out the truth, and you’re able to make a decision.
But at the end of the process, you’re clear on how you need to go forward. And let’s just say reconciliation is the outcome of that. There’s still no embarrassment there because there are moments when people have been cheated on, and circumstances suggest for the couple to say the following, “Hey, we need to try to work this out. We do love each other. Let’s go to therapy.” Let’s learn how to communicate better so that either way, you’re not taking the same behaviors into new situations.
Sometimes when you confront a cheating partner, it can go either way. They can own it, or it can even become dangerous or violent. What do you think are some safe and healthy ways to confront a cheating partner?
Well, I think this is where you have to know your person. And what I mean by that is if over the course of your relationship, anytime you try to have communication with them and there’s outburst, there’s outrage, there’s whatever, you know that that’s what’s gonna be the outcome when you try to address this situation. In that instance, there needs to be a mediator. There needs to be a buffer there.
There needs to be somebody that understands your side, that is non biased to understand their side and help y’all navigate that process. That’s what Caught in the Act: Unfaithful does. We’re that mediator because sometimes people can’t handle the emotions associated with finding out the truth. When you’re able to have proper communication–-because here, again, this is your relationship, you know the history of it–the most important part of proper communication is the listening. Just not what you have to say, but absorbing what the other person has to say as well and then finding a happy medium or a middle ground that works for you both.
That is so important because you may not get the response that you want, but it’s still important for you to be open to listening to what they have to say even in the midst of that betrayal.
Absolutely. And that’s what we found in Caught in the Act. People are like, “Oh, he did this. He’s done this,” and then we find out the truth that he is, in fact, you know, cheating or what have you. And when we bring the parties together, definitively, the other person will always have their reason why they cheated. “Well, it’s because every time I try to talk to her, she pops off,” or it’s because, you know, one thing or the other. And the people don’t always want to hear or take accountability for the part they play in what’s happening in the relationship.
Absolutely. What have you personally learned from your experiences with infidelity, and what have you been able to carry into your current relationship from those learnings?
What I learned from my experiences is that it was never me. Sometimes when you are in a relationship where there is infidelity, you start to look at yourself in a way of what is wrong with me. What did I do wrong? Why am I not enough? How could I have made it better?
And I had to learn there is nothing wrong with me. It’s just the person that was sitting across from me that I was affording the opportunity to be a part of my energy, my aura was not mentally adept enough to handle what I was putting down. And that is becoming self aware, having an element of self love, keeping my self esteem intact. And then from that, once I got all that together, I said, now this is what I don’t want in a partner. And these things are nonnegotiable.
And what people tend to do is know what they don’t want [and] say this is what I can’t handle. And then the minute they get with somebody and they do it, they compromise. They settle. They buckle because nobody wants to be alone.
But at the beginning of the process, when you started working on yourself, you begin to realize, I like my own company, and there’s nothing wrong with me being by my damn self until the right person enters my life.
Yes. I love that. I believe you attract what you put out. People often talk about this thing of cheating respectfully. Do you believe there’s any such thing as cheating respectfully?
There is no such thing, and and people need to stop with all this stuff. This is so ridiculous. There’s no cheating respectfully. Do you have an open relationship, which is a thing? Then let’s go ahead and call your situation what it is.
Are y’all sister wives, which is a thing? Is there polygamy in your relationship? Let’s call your thing what it is. Okay? But there is no cheating respectfully.
If cheating is the verbiage that is used, then the underlying context is that me and you were supposed to be in a monogamous relationship and committed to each other, and you’ve stepped outside of that. That involves micro cheating, text, DMs, liking photos. All of that stuff is a gateway to you having other behaviors that are not indicative of you being committed in a relationship with the person you’re [with].
Yes. I love that breakdown. And lastly, is there anything that people can look forward to that’s gonna be different from season 1 in this new season?
I think in the season prior, we really did focus more on the infidelity aspect. In this season, we’re trying to delve deeper into the trust aspect, deception, really finding out the truth for people and then understanding their emotional journey as they’re going through the process, offering them counsel, offering them advice, and starting them on the road to healing. I think we really focus more on that this time around because you see people when they go off, I check-in with them, but I don’t really know, ‘hey, girl. Are you gonna be okay?’
I really want to make sure that this season, people leave with the understanding that they’re going to be okay even though this experience was a trial, a tribulation, or a trauma for them. You don’t have to take that baggage into the next situation.
I love that you all have counselors and are humanizing the experience. Again, it’s entertainment to some people, but this is people’s real lives.
This is people’s real lives.