This is the season for fun, freedom, feminine energy and sexy new beginnings. It’s the perfect time to make sure that your inner bombshell blooms when it comes to love, sex, dating, and relationships. To get the best tips to set your sexy time on fire, I called on my sexpert besties.
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Just consider us The Black Sexerati. These spicy sexperts are a diverse group. We are married, single and engaged, heterosexual, gay and pansexual, female and male, formally educated and self-taught, Christian and other, coaches, writers, and speakers. Here are 11 super-hot sexpert tips to make your toes curl—from oral sex to juicy foreplay to a move called “the Stallion.”
1. Embrace Your Self-Pleasure.
Reading your Intimacy Intervention advice questions each week, I see that many of you are still scared of the M-word. So let’s kick off this party with my tip that you’ll need for all of the other ones. You most likely won’t go blind, get addicted or over-stimulated but pleasuring yourself has all kinds of incredible benefits.
Masturbation leads to you knowing your luscious body better. You will reinforce to yourself that you deserve pleasurable touch whether or not you have a partner. You will know what pleases you so that you can show someone else. You can experiment alone first if you are feeling shy. You can even put on an incredible show for your partner.
When you have the body confidence, you can explore adult toys, foreplay, roleplay, and tantra. When you are in love with yourself you can communicate with your partner. When you have self-esteem, you don’t feel the need to compromise your sexual self and you have the courage to take responsibility for your own orgasm.
So with toys or without, please yourself often. Studies show that self-touch can increase feelings of confidence and self-esteem. In addition, women who indulge in self-pleasure are reportedly more orgasmic. Yeah!
2. Give the Ultimate Oral Exam.
Ladies, this oral sex tip is going to raise the bar on your fellatio game. Men have something called a prostate. It’s located in their anus about 2 inches up and when it’s stimulated it creates waves of blissful sensations. You will need a small silver bullet vibrator, warm water, and a teaspoon of honey. Add some of the honey to your tongue and lick his pleasure stick slowly. The honey also adds to the flavor and enjoyment to the art of going down. Take a few sips of warm water. The warm water melts the honey and creates a warm, soft, velvety sensation to his penis.
While slowly going down on him you want to turn your silver bullet vibrator on low, and press it gently against his perineum. The perineum is the area between the scrotum and the anus. This will stimulate his prostate externally. Gently massage the area with the silver bullet while orally pleasing your lover. He will experience the best knee jerking, toe curling orgasmic experience ever!”
—Tracey R. Bryant is a Sexual Empowerment Coach and the creator of Sensual Honey Sweet Yoni Tea, an organic, aphrodisiac tea that makes your lovely lady parts smell good and taste sweet.
3. Your Natural Musk
“Don’t have ‘that thang’ smelling like flowers or candy. Your lady parts are the flower. Your lady parts are my candy. That ‘sweet thang’s’ natural aroma and nectar is perfect! You can’t put it in a bottle and it’s never duplicated. I feel like, if we don’t both smell like ‘that thang’ when we are done then we didn’t get in there properly.
Here’s the key: We both have to be fresh to get it popping. I love taking a shower with my baby before engaging in her love. I have arrived at the point in my sex life where I have to be free to lick where I want when I want. I’m grown. As a man, I don’t want it just in my mouth, I want it ON MY FACE.
The goal is to have your partner never curious or desiring anything from anyone else—ever! You need to turn your partner out! Every couple of months something has to get broken… a vase, a glass, a picture frame, a bed frame, a headboard. Dents in the middle of the mattress don’t count!”
—Steven James Dixon, Author of Men Don’t Heal, We Ho – A Book About the Emotional Instability of Men and the upcoming Love Capacity, has been married over 10 years.
4. Get Kinky with it!
“I have seen people struggle with their desires for kinky sex, BDSM and all manner of fetishes. And as tough as it might be to be honest with others, you first have got to be honest with yourself. Know that is is absolutely OK for you to have kinky desires or outré fetishes, and that you are worthy of having your needs met in a loving and consensual setting.
My husband is my dominant and owner. Yes, my owner. We have a consensual ‘Power Exchange’ relationship. He waited until he was 60 years old to seek out his true desires. He had a lifetime of fantasies of sadism and longed to salaciously torment hot-and-sexy victims, but his upbringing labeled such things forbidden. Then adulthood sealed his fate as a guilt-ridden, secretive dreamer. Now he’s happy, fulfilled, kinky as hell and loving the explorations of our new life.
Dare to get what you want! One of his few regrets is that he denied himself this dream for decades. I, on the other hand, have been a hedonistic explorer since high school and had no qualms about telling my partners what I wanted and, in turn, finding out what turned them on.
It can be really scary to tell your beloved that you have desires outside of so-called “vanilla” sex but you’ll be happier if you’re honest about your desires. Be honest with your partner(s) and honest with yourself and let your freak flag fly.”
—Mollena Lee Williams-Haas, known as “The Perverted Negress”, is a BDSM/Kink Educator, author, performer and muse. She is also the founder of Mollena.com.
5. Learn to RECEIVE pleasure.
“In the past I’ve had lovers say that I was afraid of my orgasms. You could have the best lover in the world, who knows all the ways to please you with an unlimited supply of energy, stamina and sexual curiosity. But if you’ve been taught or accepted that you’re only allowed a certain amount of happiness, joy and bliss, you may intentionally be limiting your capacity for pleasure.
I used to only allow past lovers to get to a measured point and then I would pull away. I had to actively work on being a pleasure receiver. Much of this deals with shame, guilt and social expectations on what I was allowed or not allowed to feel. Eventually I learned, I am supposed to FEEL, especially pleasure and bliss! In order to grow in closeness with yourself or your partner, you must actively live in a place of vulnerability.”
—Sheena LaShay is an “Intellectual Sensual Shaman, Wild Magical Woman and Cultural Provocateur” who leads workshops, retreats and events. Her digital home, SheenaLaShay.com, is the space where vulnerability, eroticism and power intersect.
6. Talk Dirty to ‘Em.
“Sex is supposed to be fun so get even more adventurous by talking dirty. Tell your partner how you like it. Share with him where you want it. Use your imagination and voice all of your dirty desires. Sex talk helps to stimulate your sexual partner’s major senses—so imagine how hot and bothered he’ll be once you tell him how horny you are.”
—Dami Olonisakin, award-winning sex and relationship blogger, is the founder of SimplyOloni.com.
When it comes to dirty talk, Shawntell T’Neke, the Sensualista, adds: “Indulge in sexting and phone sex. They are the best EVER when you are your partner are not together! However, have you tried this when both of you are in the same home, at work, or while lying next to one another?”
7. Stallion Him, Baby!
“Ladies, this is the secret to your orgasm and to getting whatever you want. Put on a large white t-shirt and a sexy pair of heels! Yes.
Now, command your partner to lie on his back. Climb on top, facing him, and go for a ride. Take 10 LONG thrusts—or however many you like. Control your thrusts, turn around, grab his ankles and continue riding. Right before he releases, hop off and put him in your mouth! Yeah, I said it. This position will keep him from climaxing before you and possibly get those new pair of heels for your next ride. I’m just saying.”
—Shawntell T’Neke also known as The Sensualista is the CEO and founder of S.H.E., Sensually Hers Evolved. The Sensualista is a life coach, keynote speaker and event host.
8. The Largest Sex Organ? The Brain
“Many believe the genitals run the show when sex is about to take place, but it is actually the brain that is the center of command in every sexual experience. The brain is responsible for releasing the hormones. The brain is responsible for the signals and chemicals necessary for the body to prepare for sex, and when the mind is clouded intercourse can become difficult.
Weakened erections, lowered libido, inability to orgasm and vaginal dryness can all be caused by the mind being preoccupied by emotional and psychological factors. Relaxing the mind and becoming one with the body before sex is critical for optimal sexual performance and pleasure.
Release inhibitions by talking before the act, participating in couple’s erotic massage, playing music or lighting candles infused with lavender or jasmine essentials oils for relaxation. For more complicated emotional or psychological factors such as depression, low self-esteem or anxiety, seeing a doctor will help in restoring balance within the mind, body and eventually sexual energy.”
—Tyomi Morgan is a Sexuality Coach, Playboy Radio Host, and Resident Sexpert at SexpertTyomi.com.
9. Stop with the Jabbing Already!
Tinzley’s tip is for men, so you may want to share it with someone you love.
“Guys, we get it. Our warm vaginas are extremely mesmerizing. We know you want to be all up in it but please remember… It’s a gentle place and she requires gentle strokes and caresses that make our toes curl up.
I like a man to rub me gently and turn me on without leaving carve marks on my treasure chest with sharp unfiled nails! Calm down and just stroke with your hands. Don’t attack the vajayjay.”
—Tinzley Bradford is known as Settle-Free Dating Coach and author of The Settle-Free Dating Method for Women. Get her advice at MenWomenDatingFromTinzley.com.
10. Communicate your needs.
“Neither of you are mind readers. Talk transparently about your likes, dislikes, wants and needs. To have a truly intimate experience, tell your partner where you like to be touched. The more comfortable you are communicating your sexual desires, the better your sexual experience will be.
Focus on pleasing each other. Sex should be a time of selfless connecting with your love; a time of making sure your partners needs and wants are met. If your focus is pleasing him and his focus is pleasing you, both of you will be pleased in the end.”
—Yvonne Chase aka The Single Woman’s Cheerleader is a dating and relationship coach to singles and pre-committed couples. Find her at YvonneChase.com mixing her Christian faith with pop culture.
11. Remember Making Out?
I hope that you’ve enjoyed all of the steamy tips from my sexpert besties. Here’s one to keep your long-term relationships hot. It is simple, but far from basic.
Remember when kissing each other felt so erotic that you wanted to rip each others’ clothes off ASAP? It was so hot and sexy when you first got together! You would put your lips together and let your tongues explore. Now you just automatically repeat the same formula, night after night.
The lips are an incredible erogenous zone. Bring kissing back to your erotic repertoire. Touching lips and tongues can enhance the bond with your partner like none other. Sex workers will do everything else except kissing because the act is so intimate. You’re not just swapping spit!
Sexy romantic kissing gets your feel-good love hormones like dopamine and ocytocin flowing. Your heart rate increases. Your pulse quickens. Your partner feels the hotness. Yes…If kissing has escaped from your bag of sexual tricks—bring it back, fast! Extra points if you can build anticipation by kissing in a place where you can’t readily get naked.
Thank you for your Intimacy Intervention advice requests every week!
Abiola Abrams is the author of the award-winning Sacred Bombshell Handbook of Self-Love, Manifest Your Miracles meditation album and African Goddess Affirmation Cards. The popular lifestyle guru is also the founder of the Sacred Bombshell Self-Care Kits, blog, web TV show, and online academy at SacredBombshell.com. Follow her on Twitter to continue the discussion about this week’s hot topic, and then email her your burning questions now. Anything you send will be posted anonymously, promise.