Passionate Living Coach Abiola Abrams gives love, dating and self-esteem advice on networks from MTV to the BBC and all over the web through her hit web series AbiolaTV. Now she wants to help you keep things spicy and fresh between the sheets. Are you in need of an intimacy intervention? Just ask Abiola!
Dear Abiola,
I’m 61 years old and everyone really thinks I’m between 35 and 40. I know it might sound like I am reaching but every woman in my family is proof that good Black don’t crack.
My nickname is “Hot Mama.” The problem is that although I feel young and fun on the outside, I don’t know how to get my body to agree with me. I went through menopause at around 53-54 and I haven’t been the same sexually since.
My new boyfriend is 42. (And yes, I have a son almost his age.) My new man wines me and dines me and is completely feeling me. I asked him if he had an ‘’old lady fetish and he explained that no, he is turned on by my particular beauty, my confidence, and my seasoning.
We haven’t had sex yet because I am extremely nervous. It has been many, many, many years since Hot Mama had any kind of intimacy — at least maybe 8 years.
My best sexual decade was my 40s. It was INCREDIBLE. But that was a long time ago.
Help, please. I need to get my sexy back — fast.
Signed,
Stella With No Groove
Dear Sacred Bombshell,
Yes, Hot Mama!
Afrodite, Oshun, Venus, I see you. I acknowledge your beauty and divine feminine power, my goddess sister.
Thank you for reminding all of us that it is possible to be young, sexy, and vibrant as we age. Well after menopause, into our 50s, 60s, 70s, 80s and beyond, women are feeling good in our bodies and allowing ourselves more pleasure than ever before.
Here’s how to step back into your full sexual self post-menopause!
1. Start with self-pleasure.
Your prescription is a daily self-exploration. You can start in the shower since you’re naked already. Maybe make time for you before bedtime. Get to know your body again – what are your likes and dislikes?
2. You may have new turn-ons.
Allow yourself the room to have an all new sex life. You may look 35-40, but you’re not. And that’s a great thing! You have had a wealth of experiences since then. Instead of trying to to be your old self, leave room for new experiences, likes, and dislikes.
3. Fill up your toy box.
Check out a women-friendly adult toy site like BedroomKandi.com, GoodVibes.com pr Babeland.com. Explore — and order anything that strikes your fancy. This can be a joint activity with your boyfriend.
‘My Husband Uses Racial Slurs During Sex’
4. Awaken your yoni and tone up your PC muscle.
I created the Sacred Bombshell Womb Chakra Bliss Kit (link: SacredBombshell.com) because we often ignore this sacred part of our bodies. Your pubococcygeus or PC muscle is a pelvic floor muscle that supports the uterus, vagina, bowel and bladder.
Weak PC muscles can cause incontinence and loss of full vaginal sensations. You may want to experiment with using a Jade Egg to tighten your vaginal muscles and bring you more in touch with your sacral chakra and your sensual and emotional self. Be sure to do your kegels often.
Three other intimate weight kits include the:
• Je Joue Ami Progressive Pelvic Weights,
• Angel Kiss Kegel Exerciser Training Program, Weighted Ben Wa Balls with String for Kegel Exercises
• Bedroom Kandi Hold On to Me Kegel Set.
5. Find your lubrication.
With decreased estrogen levels, you may take longer to get aroused and may experience dryness. The 3 main types of lubricants are oil-based, water-based, and silicone-based. Some women find relief with lubricants like KY Jelly or Summer’s Eve Lubricating Jelly, vaginal moisturizers like Replens or K-Y Liquibeads, or vaginal estrogen products like VagiFem or Premarin Vaginal Cream.
Here’s where you should enlist your medical team as a key part of your sexual intimacy team. See your doctor or healthcare provider as nothing in my reply is meant to treat or diagnose any illness medical condition. A naturopath may recommend natural estrogen enhancers like yams or soy. Again, this is for information purposes only.
6. Work it out, goddess!
Getting the blood flowing again is great for the libiido at any age. Try a class like pole fitness, burlesque, hot yoga, or belly dancing to really get that sacred feminine energy going.
You deserve to have a hot, sexy intimate life for your entire life. Here’s wishing that your boudoir time with your new man is not just like it was in your 40s, but even better!
Passionately yours,
Abiola
Abiola Abrams is the author of the award-winning Sacred Bombshell Handbook of Self-Love, Manifest Your Miracles meditation album and African Goddess Affirmation Cards. The popular lifestyle guru is also the founder of the Sacred Bombshell Self-Care Kits, blog, web TV show, and online academy at SacredBombshell.com. Follow her on Twitter to continue the discussion about this week’s hot topic, and then email her your burning questions now. Anything you send will be posted anonymously, promise.