Passionate Living Coach Abiola Abrams gives love, dating and self-esteem advice on the CW’s Bill Cunningham Show and all over the web through her hit web series AbiolaTV. Now she wants to help you keep things spicy and fresh between the sheets. Are you in need of an intimacy intervention? Just ask Abiola!
Dear Abiola,
Is there a way to move out of booty call zone? I’m frustrated and lost. I love him but I know it’s partially my fault. I am a successful up and coming lawyer. I was also the booty call for two years until I started to refuse a couple of months ago.
When we first met I used to reject any talk about relationships. After we had sex for the first time he asked about us being together and I refused. He invited me on dates several times and I declined. Stupid me. I was afraid of being in a relationship. He used to ask me to come over just to hang out even on my periods to show me that it was not just sex he wanted. I used to not even acknowledge him in public.
Then I found out he was sleeping with a girl I knew at the same time. Apparently, he would call me first then when I declined he would call her. This got me really upset but because I liked him I didn’t show it. We stopped for a while, then started to have sex again.
He used to sleep over. We would get dressed for work together and act like a little family. Now it’s just confusing. If we see each other at parties, he gives me a nasty stare when I am talking to another guy. He stopped talking to me in public because I used to not acknowledge him and he said he’s fed up of me hiding. He also has hooked back up with his ex sexually.
Help! I want him as my best friend and husband. I want him so badly but I think now I’m just stuck in the booty call zone.
Signed,
Frustrated, Lonely & Hopeless
My Dearest Queen,
You may be frustrated and lonely, but you are not hopeless. You also call yourself stupid and we are not having that. You made poor sexual choices but you, like every single one of us, are worthy and deserving.
You showed him who you were and he believed you. Your story spells out how we teach other people to treat us. You taught this man to think of you only as his nighttime girl. You spurned his positive advances and shows of affection in favor of the cheap thrill. You tried to protect your heart by handing him your body but you learned that the two are attached!
It is understandable to be afraid of being in a relationship. Being vulnerable enough to risk rejection can be terrifying. Unfortunately, you constantly rejected this man and stomped on his heart in an attempt to protect your own. To not acknowledge someone in public that you are intimate with is horrific. This is emotional abuse. You basically stole his pride at gunpoint.
Here’s what to do: invite him to dinner, somewhere romantic and secluded, on you. Tell him that you would like to address where things went wrong privately in a sober heart-to-heart after dinner. Let the restaurant portion of the evening just be about enjoying each other’s company in a positive setting. At your place or a neutral setting like a hotel, this night is just for talking, not anything else. Be honest about everything ask him whether it is possible for you to start over and see what happens. Maybe it will work and maybe it won’t, but there is no way forward without risk.
Are you sure that this isn’t about the chase for you? It seems as if you only become interested when you learned that he had other booty calls lined up. Is he a man with a string of women? Or is he genuinely capable of a loving a committed relationship? That’s for you to learn. If you have not handled your fears of commitment then as soon as this man or any other says, “Here I am,” you will sabotage it. Find a good therapist or coach. You need to also be honest with your partner when you feel hurt.
You may just have to learn the lessons of this “relationship” and move forward separately with a pledge to do better. It would be difficult (though not impossible) for a relationship dynamic switcheroo after 2 years but if you’re both committed to complete forgiveness, and perhaps with a great couple’s therapist you can make it work.
No more settling for table scraps, gorgeous! Got it? Many times, quite frankly, you can’t pour the booty call lube back into the bottle. You will love again.
Passionately yours,
Abiola
Abiola Abrams is the founder of The Bombshell Academy blog, online school and web series over at AbiolaTV. Follow her on Twitter to continue the discussion about this week’s hot topic, and then email her your burning questions now. Anything you send will be posted anonymously, promise.