The end of a long-term relationship can feel like you’re experiencing a death. You and your partner probably did everything together for years, which deepened your bond, trust, and intimacy with them. When a relationship ends, resentment, despair, helplessness, and disappointment can consume you. In addition to those feelings, fear can set in as you wonder if you’ll be able to find another beautiful connection as you once had. Although everyone grieves differently and uses various coping mechanisms to move forward from a person and relationship, the most common approach is to take time to heal from the breakup alone instead of jumping into another partnership right away.
However, according to two trusted relationship experts and matchmakers, venturing into the dating scene again might be a viable solution to mend a broken heart while providing you agency and confidence to own possible shortcomings in your previous relationship.
Shae Primus, certified matchmaker, dating coach, owner of Upper Echelon Matchmaking, and star of Bravo’s hit television show, Love Match Atlanta, believes you aren’t ready to start dating again until you’re able to own your part in what went wrong in your previous relationship. “Often, when we break up, and someone asks what happened, we blame our ex. As a matchmaker and dating coach, I would say that you are not ready to start dating after a breakup until you can own the part you played in the relationship’s demise,” she says to ESSENCE.
Primus feels that taking emotional inventory and ownership of your shortcomings in your past relationship and resolved childhood traumas will prepare you to have a fresh and positive start with potential romantic suitors. “Most people are stuck in victimhood, as it’s safe, but this way of thinking doesn’t allow you to grow. Let’s say your ex used you. Owning your part sounds like, ‘I failed to set boundaries around what I will allow.’ Now, as a dating coach, I can help this person set proper boundaries and identify red flags they’ve missed to prevent that behavior going forward. If you notice a pattern in the people you have allowed in your life, you have some onus. Sometimes, we attract a certain type of person due to unhealed childhood trauma. As adults, we have a responsibility to heal that. Addressing our emotional baggage is essential to do before dating again,” she states.
Primus continues, “Just as I told my client, Angela, on Love Match Atlanta, ‘Take the time to heal from and assess your previous relationship before dating again.’ When you’re ready, own your mistakes, and prepare to explore with an open heart and open mind. Your next is not your ex. Don’t compare them.”
While addressing difficult situations that may have affected your past relationship is challenging, many find it harder to have the confidence to stick their toe back into the dating pool or the awareness to know when they are ready to. Tennesha Wood, founder and lead matchmaker of the first matchmaking firm dedicated to pairing educated, marriage-minded Black professionals, The Broom List, has some tips for us to know when we’re ready to date again.
Signs That You’re Ready to Return to the Dating Scene:
- You’re over your ex: You no longer feel emotionally attached to your ex and are ready to move on. In other words, you don’t constantly check their Instagram!
- You’re happy being single: You enjoy your own company and don’t feel like you truly need someone else to be happy.
- You’ve learned: Your last relationship taught you more about yourself and what you need from a partner, and you clearly understand what you’re looking for.
- You’re emotionally stable: You can handle the ups and downs of dating without being too affected by them.
Additionally, Primus suggests that you’ll know when you’re ready when you start feeling excited about the possibility of meeting someone new and find yourself saying, “I want to go there with my boo” or “that’s something I would try in my next relationship.”
Here’s How to Get Back Into the Dating Scene After a Breakup Acccording to Both Primus and Wood:
Take it slow: There’s no need to rush into a new relationship. Take the time to get to know someone before committing to avoid getting into a new relationship impulsively or for the wrong reasons.
Let your friends know your status: When they know you’re single, they will likely invite you out and introduce you to other singles. Going out in group settings can also help you ease back into dating.
Adjust your expectations: Your ex got to know your needs and desires over time, so don’t expect to immediately find that same level of connection. Be patient and open-minded.
Don’t limit yourself to dating apps: While dating apps can be helpful, remember not to underestimate the power of meeting someone in real life. Try new activities or hobbies that interest you, and don’t forget to make eye contact and smile.
Get cute and go out: Frequent places where the person you’d like to meet would go. For example, a golf course/tournament, wine tasting, cigar lounge, or professional conference reception.
Dole out compliments: If you see someone who catches your eye, compliment them. Don’t expect the person to “just know that you like them.” I always advocate for Shooting your shot.
Enroll in a paid dating site: Stay away from the free or cheap sites. If you want a quality mate, invest in the quality sites.
Hire a matchmaker! Matchmakers are paid to learn you and vet your potential match. Let the matchmaker do all the work for you. It’s their expertise.