The single scene today is definitely different from the days when our mothers and grandmothers “courted.”
Real women of every age share their thoughts on dating in 2009, and Lisa Altalida, author of “Dating Boot Camp” (Alpha) and certified life coach, weighs in.
Name: Krystle Carter
Age: 25
Occupation: Graduate Student, University of Baltimore
Hometown: Albany, New York
The Real Deal on Dating: “I’ve had luck meeting guys at happy hour, coffee shops or the campus center. I am friendly and start small talk. Once, there was an incredibly long line in Starbucks. A guy I’d seen several times there was at the front of the line. He noticed me and turned and said, ‘Green tea, right?’ He ordered my drink and it was the start of a great conversation. Having fun and lots of laughter are key. I’ve learned that your instincts come from God. If it doesn’t feel right, it isn’t.”
Name: Maria James
Occupation: Marketing & Public Relations Assistant
Age: 27
Hometown: Virginia Beach, Virginia
“Honestly, if it weren’t for Web sites I don’t know if I’d even date or talk to men. When you’re working and going to school you become isolated and my community has few Black men. I want someone who’s actively pursuing their goals and is truly looking for that woman from God to spend his life with. I’m in my late 20s now, and from 20 up until now dating meant meeting, going out, sleeping together and then maybe talking again by phone. I’ve learned that once you open the door sexually that’s really all the relationship becomes. Now that I’m older and I’m living a life for the Lord, I’m learning that I have more to offer than just my body. Now I feel like my standards are higher.”
For dating in your 20s, the Dating Boot Camp General says:
“These are the transition times from college to real life. It is key not to lose those networks from college, when you were around a lot of great guys. Get involved in your college’s alumni chapter and other organizations. Also, use social networking. Men in their 20s are dating different people and the women should do the same. And if you do decide to sleep with a guy, do it only because you want to and remember it doesn’t mean you are in a relationship. Start thinking of what you want in a mate but continue to just get out and date. Many women do end up with someone they met during this time, so keep your eyes open and live it up.”
Name: Lela Jefferson
Occupation: New Media Marketing and PR Professional (currently seeking new employment)
Age: 30
Hometown: Brooklyn
Where have you had the most luck meeting men? Church
What are you looking for in dating? Happiness, companionship, common interests and beliefs and permanency
The Real Deal on Dating: “I am once again in the dating market after being in a long-term relationship. I tend to meet guys at church and other civic events. However, it seems as if they are too shy to speak to me, and the ones that do get my senses tingling, warning me, “PLAYA, run away!” Many straight good men feel that because they are in high demand that they do not need to treat a woman like a lady. I am celibate and if a man cannot respect that, he is not the one for me. Sex should not be a bargaining tool to get a ‘good’ man.”
Name: Nerissa Golden
Age:35
Occupation: Writer
Hometown: St. Maarten,
Netherlands Antilles
The Real Deal on Dating: “I was married for six years and it was quite a shocker now that I am divorced to see how assertive women are. I meet the best men just being me and going to places I enjoy, rather than going out of my way to try to meet guys. I have always been comfortable speaking to men. Caribbean people tend to flirt quite openly. But I still prefer men making the move. In fact, it’s necessary that they do. I like to see how persistent they are going to be, so more than likely they get rebuffed the first or second time.”
Name: Krys Morris
Age: 39
Occupation: Health care Consultant/Professor
Hometown: Atlanta
The Real Deal on Dating: “The dating scene has changed significantly in that it requires far more pre-screening, background checking, and personal referencing just to have a fair chance that he’s not a waste of time. After clarifying my ‘must-haves’ and viewing hundreds of guys via online dating, I’ve finally met “The One.” We’ve even been asked to do a commercial for an online dating site! Yes, dating methods have changed, but it’s no less exciting!”
For dating in your 30s, the Dating Boot Camp General says: “This is when a relationship must become a goal if that is what you want. You are out of your social network, so you have to make active plans and get out. Let your representative showcase your best self, and be open with your desires without desperation, which men can instantly sense. In the 30s, men also get that family itch and go from the bachelor pad to the barbeque pit, so they’re looking as well. Also, some of us are single moms and take the kids to Chuckie Cheese together. There are no men there! You are still a social person so get out there and mingle.”
Name: Kemi Salako
Age: 41
Occupation: Real Estate Broker
Hometown:Atlanta (originally from New York)
The Real Deal on Dating: “Don’t let the gorgeous, well-dressed men driving BMWs in Atlanta fool you. Dating is a challenge in many cities, but Atlanta is unique with many more single women than men. It is also the Black gay mecca. If I don’t meet my husband by chance, I have resigned to the fact that I may remain part of the new statistic, and have learned how to have an abundant, joyful life alone.”
Name: Gina Walton
Occupation: Manager, Administrative Services
Age:42
Hometown: Philadelphia
The Real Deal of Dating: “After separating from a marriage of 19 years, dating in your mid-forties is an eye-opener to say the least. It seems as though it’s hard to find men who can take care of themselves and their families without missing a beat. I have had the most luck with gentlemen from my past, and I have some great male friends. I am not currently dating anyone seriously, but if I wanted to I would reach back to move forward. Men in their fifties are more suitable candidates, though I would prefer to date men no more than eight years older. Huge age disparities create problems over the long haul.”
Name: Carolyn Vermont
Occupation: Consultant
Age: 48
Hometown: Bridgeport, Connecticut
The Real Deal on Dating: “I am divorced and did not date much in my younger days, so I am really enjoying the ride now. At networking events and happy hours, brothers are usually there with their boys and I am usually with my girls. So, we get a great group conversation. I love my brothers. They make me proud and the ones that I have dated are affectionate, courteous and hardworking.”
For dating in your 40s, the Dating Boot Camp General says: “Ladies, this is when we get frustrated. You see all your friends divorce and feel you’ve been there, done that and are over it. You have to dust yourself off and tap back into what makes you happy. Once you push the baggage to the side, find a group of people with similar interests like art or animals. Use the Internet as a tool to help you with sites like Meetup.com. As you meet men, remember they have been through things too, so take it slow and just have a good time.”
Name: Terri Smith
Age: 52
<Occupation: Administrative Assistant
Hometown: Dorchester, Massachusetts
The Real Deal on Dating: I miss the days when dating meant something. I had more fun dating when I was a teenager than now. Some of my favorite dates then were a young man coming by just because, sitting on the porch with the 45s, going to the movies, serving him dinner and hoping like hell he thought I could cook. He knew to dress neat, pick you up on time, get out of the vehicle and come in to meet your parents. Now, they show up however they choose, call you from outside, or better yet, honk the horn, letting the neighbors know I’m dating someone with no class. I feel I am worth the chase, and I will no longer ‘settle.’ I want an old-fashioned man who knows how to treat a lady.
Name: Lima Wiltshire
Age: 52
Hometown: Upper Marlboro, Maryland
The Real Deal on Dating: “My philosophy regarding dating is to be still, check yourself, like yourself, and a decent brother will definitely show up. And when all else fails, you can’t beat a date with the Most High. I seem to attract young guys which is such a turn-off for me. With the exception of how good they think they’re going to make me feel in bed, their conversations are usually quite boring.”
For dating in your 50s, the Dating Boot Camp General says: “Some of our older ladies are experiencing what you did in your 20s and are having sex. While others have gotten stuck in a routine and are not getting out. To meet new friends, find a group to get you out of the house. Go where you are meeting like-minded men and not the ones who say, Hey, I have my Viagra.’ For women in every group, remember who you are. Don’t let society get to you. You’re an active participant in your dating life, so work towards that.”
What are your thoughts on dating in 2009? Share them below.
