We often separate love and lust, but is a little lust necessary to keep a loving relationship going?
Get a few ladies together in a group text and the possibilities are endless. Women will dissect any topic if given the chance, and will at some point discuss life, career love and anything in between. That’s why it wasn’t shocking when a friend recently asked, “How much does passion and attraction matter in a relationship?” Even with a mix of dating statuses, the answers all seemed to point one way: Love needs lust, and lust needs love.
It’s important to have both. For some reason, many of us think we have to choose between the loving guy that is faithful, trustworthy and caring and the guy that gets us all hot and bothered but that’s all he does. That’s just not the case. Of course many of us have probably been in a space before where passion made us do some crazy things and quickly realized that can’t be the end all be all in love. So then we go the other way looking for someone “safe” and realize that’s not what we want either.
Sure, as you mature, I think you learn quickly that just being attracted to someone will not sustain you. As you begin to get more serious and even begin a life together, you will need way more than a heightened libido to get through life’s challenges. Many of us want someone we can also talk to about our dreams and passions in life, someone who will be a leader, a great parent, and the list goes on. At the point where our frontal lobe fully develops, I think is when the real life stuff starts to matter just a bit more.
But that also doesn’t mean we should throw passion out of the window. It’s really important too! Who really wants to be with someone they are not physically attracted to or longing to be around? At the core of our instincts, sex and sexuality is a huge part of our mating process. To sustain healthy connections as we move into long-term relationships and marriages, it’s essential to keep passion in the mix. As the years go on, passion can certainly wax and wane, but it’s an important ingredient along with just loving another person to sustain. There will be times in your relationship where you will want to pull on both your physical attraction to one another and your deeper mental and emotional attraction.
I also like to think that sometimes physical attraction can develop from mental and emotional attraction. Sure, you may not think of a prospective mate in the physical sense at first but you connect with them another way and then become attracted to them. Then there are some people you are attracted to right away and actually learn that they have more to offer as well.
The reality is, passion and attraction matters a lot, but it’s just not the only thing we should focus on when choosing our mates. I can guarantee you that just chasing the passion will lead you running around in circles, making phone calls and texts at 2am that you never meant to, situationships and much more. But when you consider both. When you think, “Am I attracted to this person, but also interested in this person?” You are raising the stakes of finding something long lasting instead of a fleeting tryst.
On the other hand, if you are only focused on the things that make someone an ideal “life partner,” you could end up in a dull, unexciting relationship. A relationship without passion is a friendship. Just like everything in life, it’s a balance and it’s key to know what’s most important to you.
So what are your thoughts? How much does red hot passion matter in relationships? Drop a line in the comments below.
Ashley Coleman is a writer, pen toter, and love advocate that explores life, love, and dreaming in color through words. Follow her @writelaughdream.