Famed life coach, author, and show host Iyanla Vanzant has spent nearly three decades helping others work through critical relational and familial issues. Most known for her work on OWN’s Iyanla: Fix My Life, which ran for nine seasons, Vanzant is now in the thick of season two of her podcast, “The R Spot,” which airs on Shondaland Audio.
Like her award-winning television show, the podcast also focuses on helping everyday people find solutions to and work through issues they may face in various relationships. But, according to the six-time New York Times bestselling author, this latest installment goes well beyond the surface.
“We’re having deeper conversations about more current issues, as opposed to just looking at what’s wrong with the relationship or the person,” Iyanla Vanzant shares with Essence. “What we’re really looking at is what’s current and how people are approaching it so that I have a greater opportunity to provide people with tools, information, and skills to address things in real-time.”
As someone who has faced many life traumas, one wonders how she ultimately protects her peace while tapping into her own experiences and leveraging them to help her clients. For the former television personality, she emphasizes that she never re-traumatizes herself at the expense of others.
“I focus on the lesson and the healing. The experience may be the setup, but I don’t have to discuss the specific instance. All I have to talk about is what I learned. It’s not helpful to re-traumatize yourself. Which is why I think “The R Spot” is so important, because I help others see that as well. You can use your past as a reference, but not as a foundation.”
Essence spoke further with Vanzant, in which she opened up about the recent passing of her youngest daughter, Nisa, as well as how she is approaching and handling grief this holiday season after losing both of her daughters over the last few years.
Essence: How are you currently navigating the healing journey after experiencing the loss of your daughter Nisa earlier this year?
Iyanla Vanzant: First, I had to define what healing means. I look at it as the process of restoring wholeness. Wholeness of mind, heart, and body. Healing also involves being present and aligned with what is instead of hoping and wishing it was different. There is no amount of hoping and wishing I can do that will bring my daughter back. So, I had to figure out how to come to peace and be whole within myself, knowing she’s never coming back. For me, that’s just spiritual practice. I have no intention of spending the rest of my life feeling bad. I’m willing to feel good now even though my daughter is no longer here. Healing is about accepting things as they are and realizing what you need from moment to moment to be whole again.
As we approach the holidays, what practices do you implement to get you through? How will you work through grief and honor your daughters in this season?
Gemmia died on Christmas Day, which was her favorite holiday. Her thing on Christmas was food. Forget the tree and the gifts, bring the food. So, I cook what she loved. Nisa loved to eat, so I will have the things she loved. And it’s not in sadness, but focusing on and remembering the joy the food brought them. Gemmia loved macaroni and cheese, so plenty of it will be on the table. Nisa wasn’t at peace if I didn’t have string beans with potatoes, so we’ll have that on the table, too.
The joy is what lifts us up. The regret and remorse is what tears us down. For anyone dealing with a loss this holiday season, I challenge you to do the things that you know brought that other person joy and focus on that instead.
Beyond cooking, what are you most looking forward to this holiday season?
I just love the smell of the Christmas tree. I do not do artificial trees. It just something about them, and it reminds me of Gemmia and when my children were little. Of course, I look forward to eating the food. There are only two times each year when the calories don’t hit— Thanksgiving and Christmas, and I love it.
I’m also looking forward to seeing my great-grandkids and the excitement in their faces. But beyond that, I’m just looking forward to the end of this year. 2023 has been rough! So, I’m looking forward to 2024 and the new energy that it will bring.
Beyond the holidays, what are some ways you practice self-care?
First, I had to build up my ‘no’ muscle. There’s just some stuff I’m not doing, and I will say no without guilt or explanation. That was the first thing I had to do because I was saying yes to so much, and ended up making myself last on my list of priorities.
The next thing I do is participate in things that simply bring me joy just by doing them. Those things are shopping, watching Law and Order— the original, though it has to be the original— and quilting. As I said, wholeness requires mind, body, and spirit, and being creative is a part of self-care. I’ve always sewn, but now quilting is my thing. I don’t sell my quilts, I don’t rush to make them. I’m working on five different ones at this very moment. Going to the store to pick out and buy the fabric brings me joy, so that’s what I engage in for myself.