There’s more than one way to receive pleasure in the bedroom, and unfortunately, if penetration is the only thing on the menu, you’re missing the main course. Licensed relationship and sex therapist, Nikquan Lewis, has witnessed people doing “all the right things” in bed but still feeling disconnected, bored, or unsatisfied.
“When we unpack certain behaviors, we find that they’ve been taught to center their entire sexual experience around penetration, leaving everything else—sensation, curiosity, emotional connection—off to the side,” Lewis says. She believes that once we expand our understanding of intimacy, we become open to pleasure in ways that aren’t just physical, emotional, or even spiritual. “Sex becomes less about performance and more about presence. Less about checking boxes and more about tuning in,” she says.
Whether solo, partnered, or somewhere in between, expanding what’s on your pleasure menu can be the difference between “that was cool” and “wow, I didn’t even know I could feel like this.” Here’s how to get started, according to Lewis, below:
1. Pleasure Mapping
Start with curiosity and imagination. Use your hands, toys, temperature play, or a partner to explore every inch of your body. What feels good? What kind of touch do you crave—light, firm, teasing? This is about learning your body, not rushing it. And yes, it’s foreplay, but it’s also play.
2. Discover Erogenous Zones Beyond the Usual Suspects
Spoiler alert: your clitoris, nipples, and penis are not the only pleasure points. Explore the neck, inner thighs, scalp, belly, and behind the knees, which often get overlooked. Everybody has a unique pleasure map, and you deserve to know yours.
3. Use All Five Senses
Want to go deeper? Bring the senses into your play. Silk ties, feathers, soft music, scented oils, and a decadent piece of dark chocolate on the tongue aren’t extras. They create moments of experiential and memorable pleasure. Sensory play invites you to slow down and feel every layer of the experience.
4. A Little Pain with Your Pleasure? Try Light Kink
A little sting, a little tease, a little restraint? Yes please. Light kink—like spanking, kink nails, praise kink with a gentle choke or warm/cool sensation play can amplify arousal and build trust. This isn’t about domination-unless that’s what you want, then do you friend; it’s about giving and receiving with intention. Always rooted in consent, safety, and mutual respect.
