If we were to listen to what social media says about the ideal structure for a cishet relationship, it’s that the man should be the breadwinner and the woman serves as his support system. And then there are the recycled conversations about going 50/50 on household bills, which always sends the internet ablaze with varying opinions.
Fortunately, Ashley Kirkwood has never been one to follow a crowd. This is evidenced by nearly every calculated risk she’s taken in her career. From the choice to become an attorney when the US average of Black lawyers has sat at just 5% for more than a decade, to leaving a $300,000/year job to launch her own firm helping small business owners run theirs—Kirkwood clearly beats to the rhythm of her own drum.
In keeping with her independent spirit, Kirkwood launched a second business focused on professional coaching, which quickly started pulling in high six-figures. Although thrilled with the success, the operations took up most of Kirkwood’s time—time she wanted to spend with her family.
“The company was exploding but it was a lot to handle,” she tells ESSENCE, also sharing she’d work 10 hour days handling business matters. After some time, she realized she needed a trusted person to oversee the company’s revenue flow and figured her husband was the perfect person. But there was just one problem, he didn’t want to do it.
“He’d been a director of nonprofits in the education sector, so he carved a great career path separate from mine and we were fine with that,” Kirkwood explains. “The concept of me retiring him was never a thing. He’s always been a provider.”
This is underscored by Kirkwood’s gratitude for her husband’s support while she was going through law school.
“He really held it down,” she says. “It was his idea that I quit the job I was juggling at that time to focus on school full time. He shouldered all the household bills while I was a student.”
This move aligned with what many US families looked like thirty years ago, where in married, heterosexual households, a male partner was generally the breadwinner. In recent years, women, particularly Black women, are outearning their husbands, which became the case for Kirkland once she landed a top role as a trial lawyer right out of law school. When she pivoted to successful entrepreneurship, her wages grew even more.
“I’m a visionary and I don’t mind working really hard,” Kirkwood. She also pointed out that while she runs the company, her husband handles the domestic work which includes day-to-day responsibilities for their young daughter. This, she says, is a relief since she doesn’t like relying on outside systems to run their lives. “From the start, when the business started growing exponentially, I again brought the idea to my husband about handling the money for it because I didn’t trust anyone else to do it,” Kirkland tells ESSENCE. She says her husband was resistant to joining the company for years, but it was the pandemic that made him reconsider.
“When most of us were still sheltering-in-place, educators were being forced to go back into the school system even though it wasn’t safe,” she says. “That’s when he was like, Maybe I can give this up.”
A short time later, he did just that and joined Kirkwood’s company as its Director of Operations, a role that enables him to utilize his skills learned at his prior job, but also allows for a better work-life balance.
“It just made sense for our family because if we want to just take weeks off from work to be together, we now can do that without worrying about losing our jobs,” she says.
As positive as the shift has been, it doesn’t escape Kirkwood that there are certain considerations that need to be made when you’re not only working with your spouse, but you’re also technically their boss. Coupled with being a public figure (her socials boast 300k+ followers), she acknowledged that the decision to retire her husband could be met with backlash.
Her concern is valid.
In 2021,lifestyle entrepreneur Tabitha Brown made the announcement hat she was retiring her husband Choyce Brown from his position as a police officer, a role he took on to support her early dreams of becoming an actress.
The news was met with mixed reactions on social media and even garnered commentary from Wendy Williams who, on her then talk show said she thought Tabitha’s decision was a misstep in her relationship. Williams also alluded to Choyce possibly feeling emasculated in the long run.
Kirkwood points out that a myriad of factors are at play in situations like these, namely race.
“Amy Porterfield, a white woman who is a popular marketer announced she would support both her and her husband by choice and I haven’t seen the same level of vitriol for her,” she points out. “It’s interesting because with Black women, if we decide to make sure that our men have a safe space, then all of a sudden that’s so bad. But the truth of the matter is we’re wholly comfortable with the man working himself to the bone to make sure a woman can live a soft life. I think that if you’re married to someone and both of you all are aligned, you should do whatever it takes to make sure both people are in their happy place, even if it means retiring your spouse if you have the means to do so.”
While steadfast about this, Kirkwood also stresses that love shouldn’t override the business of marriage.
“There should be a very serious conversation about money when a decision like this one is made. In my case, since my husband and I are working together, we made sure our roles were clearly defined so that we have insight on where the other is lacking.”
Kirkwood also advises that couples regularly scenario plan, even if that means playing out their break up.
“We’ve had conversations and asked tough questions about what it would look like if we were to get a divorce. Hey, would you want alimony? You wouldn’t take a stake in the company, would you? Are you open to agreeing to that in writing? We talked about all of that.”
Married since they were in their early twenties, Kirkwood says, like most couples, they don’t have a prenuptial or postnuptial agreement in place because neither of them foresaw the expanse of assets they’ve amassed.
She also points out that despite her choice to retire her husband being the best decision for her family, it doesn’t come without its deep challenges.
“Women breadwinners are a silent group in America, particularly when they’re Black women,” she tells ESSENCE. “I think a lot of that is because we want to protect the ego and image of our husbands. The truth of the matter is you’re going to need to find other sisters who are in a similar position that can empathize when you talk about how it really feels. We have tons of media portrayals showing the pressures of men who have to provide. But what about the women in that position? It is heavy at times. Our voice doesn’t always allow us to say, this is hard because it’s not how society intended it to be. There are so few resources for women breadwinners. You can almost be demonized for it because under the church environment—I’m a preacher’s kid–it’s not talked about. It’s just like, support his vision. But what if the woman is the visionary?”
Overall, Kirkwood advises women to do what’s best for their families, even if that means its a largely untraditional step.
“I can’t tell anyone else what to do with their family, but for mine, I know my husband and I are dedicated to showing up for each other in whatever season we need to, however we need to. That’s what having a partner is about—true partnership.”