From an early age, many Black women and girls are taught that it is our duty to protect Black men and boys at all costs—even at the expense of our own safety, and even if it violates our bodies. Some women are given the impression that we must protect our men and boys from White supremacy’s cruel grip and police brutality, and that we must become the containers into which men pour their anger, oppression and sexual pathology, eventually becoming keepers of secrets that could kill us.
This toxic silence, positioned as loyalty to Black men and boys who move through society as dehumanized targets of White aggression, denies us the opportunity to live as fully realized beings. Instead, all too often, the bodies of Black women and girls found collapsed at the intersection of systemic barriers and sexual violence are deemed collateral damage.
According to the Bureau of Justice Statistics, National Crime Victimization Survey, 2011–16, about 50 percent of all sexual assaults against Black women go unreported to police. Additionally, according to Tricia B. Bent-Goodley, Ph.D., a professor of social work at Howard University, “Black women have been found to withstand abuse, subordinate feelings and concerns with safety, and make a conscious self-sacrifice for what is perceived as the greater good of the community, but to their own physical, psychological and spiritual detriment.”
A HISTORY OF PAIN
This protectiveness, this complicated need to shield Black men even from themselves, is steeped in our history in this country.
The transgenerational retelling of this history, however, often minimizes a hard truth: The enslavement of Black people in America and rapes of Black women were used as a systemic tool for expansion. As slavery shape-shifted into sharecropping, then Jim Crow, then mass incarceration, the sexual violence against Black women didn’t end.
In the 1940’s iconic civil rights leader Rosa Parks documented the rape and sexual assault of Black women—including Recy Taylor, who was gang-raped by six White supremacists in 1944, and Gertrude Perkins, who was abducted and raped by two Montgomery police officers in 1949. Parks also fought for justice on the women’s behalf in Alabama.
In Soul on Ice, Eldridge Cleaver’s controversial 1968 memoir, the former Black Panther wrote of his strategy for raping White women as a method of political warfare, with Black women and girls serving as his training ground. “I started out practicing on Black girls in the ghetto—in the Black ghetto where dark and vicious deeds appear not as aberrations or deviations from the norm, but as part of the sufficiency of the evil of a day,” Cleaver wrote. While these acts were carried out before his association with the Black Panthers, the idea that a Black man would feel emboldened to commit terrifying acts on his own community speaks volumes.
More recently, in 2016, former Oklahoma City police officer and sexual predator Daniel Holtzclaw was sentenced to 263 years for the rape and sexual assault of seven Black women and one Black girl, ranging in age from 17 to 57. These are just a few examples of the pervasive, institutional sexual violence that Black women continue to endure. To demand our silence when the perpetrators are masked as our protectors is as physically and psychologically violent as when the assault comes from men whose skin resembles our own. Ironically, we were taught to keep silent for our own protection, but swallowing our truths and hiding our wounds only serve to compound the devastation.
It is not simply that Black women and girls who have been sexually assaulted or raped fear what will happen to Black men. Often they also experience shame and fear as they anticipate how their stories will be received. They brace themselves to be called hoes and fast-tail girls who asked for it, schemed for it. They know that their sexuality, already commodified and fetishized, will likely be used against them in the court of public opinion.
According to The Women of Color Network, “stereotypes regarding Black/African/African-American women’s sexuality—including terms like Black Jezebel, promiscuous and exotic—perpetuate the notion that Black/African/African-American women are willing participants in their own victimization. However, these myths only serve to demean, obstruct appropriate legal remedies, and minimize the seriousness of sexual violence perpetrated against Black/African/African-American women.”
The ‘Me Too’ movement—started by Tarana Burke more than a decade ago to center and affirm the lived experiences of Black women and girls—has created space for a boldness and freedom that we have too long been denied. Still, our stories are too often crushed beneath the boots of misogynist media gatekeepers who are more committed to protecting men in power than to championing Black women and girls.
THE OTHER SIDE
Randi Gloss, 28, an entrepreneur, a writer and an activist who founded Glossrags—which creates socially conscious designs—believes she experienced this silencing firsthand. In 2015, Gloss agreed to go out with a man who seemed “patient and caring” at one point, but that would soon change.
“The date was decent. Burgers, banter, basics. But then he mentioned something about my butt after I came back from the bathroom, and my comfort level began to dissipate,” Gloss tells ESSENCE.
Despite her initial reservations, Gloss enjoyed the rest of the date and agreed to meet him at his apartment later that evening. When she arrived she says it became apparent that he had more in mind than simply hanging out. “After watching television for a while, he leaned over and whispered in my ear, ‘I really want to taste you,’ ” Gloss says. “I told him no. That I wasn’t in a rush. That I wanted to take things slow. Apparently slow [to him] meant asking me again. He asked me to lie with him and motioned to his bed. I didn’t want to, but I did. He took off my tights and underwear. He didn’t ask for permission to perform oral sex, but I let it happen. Then nonconsensual, unprotected penetration.
“I was in shock,” she continues. “I kicked him out from inside of me and demanded to know what he was doing, to which he responded, ‘I thought you wanted it.’ ”
For almost three years, Gloss has wrestled with what happened to her. When she tried to tell her story, she claims she was met with resistance from media outlets, which ultimately refused to publish her account. That rejection has left Gloss frustrated, angry and leaning on friends for emotional support. “I had no idea how difficult it would be to speak out,” Gloss says.
Activist and author Sil Lai Abrams, 48, faced similar barriers when she attempted to come forward. Abrams alleges that, in 1994, Def Jam record label cofounder Russell Simmons raped her, and that in 2006, A.J. Calloway, currently a cohost on the television show Extra, sexually assaulted her. Both men denied the allegations. And after months of her going back and forth with MSNBC’s Joy Reid, NBC decided to shelve the story due to, the network claims, a lack of corroborating evidence. Though The Hollywood Reporter did finally publish Abrams’s story, she cautions those women who speak out to be measured in their expectations. “Even when you are successful in getting your story told, there is no guarantee that your claims will be taken seriously, that any action will ensue or that the men responsible for violating you will be held accountable in their professional and personal lives,” Abrams says.
She admits that the hypercriminalization of Black men—specifically how White men, White women and White judicial systems have demonized them as sexual predators by nature—was a concern. But what almost silenced her was the fear of not being believed and having her own people turn against her. “We talk about freedom for Black people,” she says. “Well, I want to be free from sexual violence. Black women are constantly at war with themselves about the need to stand up for ourselves and our instinctive concern for Black men, even those Black men who do bad things to Black women. And when we finally gather our courage to come forward and say, ‘My brother hurt me,’ we’re deemed race traitors. So how do we find justice? I don’t know. For the most part, I think justice is a myth.”
Many of these horrific stories remain buried to this day, but the bodies of Black women and girls are more than unsolved crime scenes. The little Black girls being molested by uncles or cousins or pastors or fathers deserve more. The little Black girls who are told to be quiet while their mothers’ boyfriends rape them deserve more. The Black women who have learned that even if they scream, the accolades and adoration thrown at their assailants will always be louder than their cries, deserve more. More justice, more freedom, more protection, more love.
“I have wanted to burn the dress I wore that day,” Gloss says. “I have wanted to watch it go up in flames and smoke and burn and disintegrate until it was no more. But I realize that neither I nor the dress was to blame. It was not my fault. I did not do anything wrong. I felt like I was not given an opportunity to say yes. I was not given an opportunity to say no. I was not given an opportunity to make any choice at all.”
Despite Black women’s loyalties and learned silences born out of a complicated racial history, one fraught with sexualized terror against us, shielding rapists—of any color—is neither revolutionary nor right, and those who claim to care about Black women and girls cannot continue pretending that it is.
Bridal Bliss: Ozioma And Obi Tied The Knot In Stunning Fashion At A Castle In Barcelona
Four years after their wedding celebration was postponed due to COVID-19, the couple went big, in planning and opulence, with their destination wedding in Spain.
Ten years before Ozioma and Obi said, “I do,” they were just young pre-med students preparing to work hard to make their dreams come true. They didn’t expect to find love in the process.
Introduced in 2014 by a mutual friend and classmate, Ozioma, from Baltimore, and Obi, from New York, felt an instant attraction and even became study partners. Shortly after, the two began dating, and while they’d find themselves separated as they started medical school, the distance couldn’t keep them apart. Love began to grow, and after completing their programs, they did their clinical rotations in Miami, living together and solidifying their bond.
“Obi has consistently brought a sense of peace to my life,” Ozioma tells ESSENCE. “He makes me feel safe, and I never have to worry about anything when he is around. My friends and family always say, ‘Obi does not play about Ozy,’ which is very accurate.”
And she doesn’t play about him, either. Obi notes that her care for him and those around her, even her pups, let him know she was someone he needed. “Her consistency sealed the deal for me,” he shares. “Despite the ups and downs, she was always there—making sure I ate, was taken care of, and stayed connected with her friends. She genuinely took care of those around her — especially her dogs. She did not feel the need to go out all the time, but when she did, it was always joyful and a good time.”
By 2018, he was ready to propose. And while a grandiose proposal is nice, sometimes the more simple gestures can be just as impactful. According to Obi, he asked for her hand while they road-tripped from her native Baltimore to Georgia, where they would complete the same residency program together.
“As I navigated to Baltimore, memories flooded my mind, but it was a heartfelt conversation with my mother that truly encouraged me to take this leap,” he recalls. “I chose to seize the moment and popped the question during our drive to Georgia, which marked the start of our lives together.”
In the summer of 2019, they had their traditional Nigerian wedding and planned to have their white wedding in October 2020. But, of course, COVID-19 made that impossible. The couple canceled their original plans and opted for a courthouse ceremony, hopeful that they’d have their big celebration soon enough. But a postponed wedding didn’t stop them from starting their lives together. The pair welcomed their first child, a daughter named Zara, and during their babymoon to Barcelona prior to her birth in 2022, they fell head over heels for the locale.
“During that trip, I instantly fell in love with Barcelona because of its beauty, the beaches, shopping and nightlife, and of course, the food!” Ozioma says. After stumbling upon a stunning venue on Instagram, the Castillo de Sant Marçal, a restored castle dating back to the 12th century, they locked it down and prepared to tie the knot in Spain. On October 22, 2024, four years from their original white wedding date, they did just that. From the extravagant aisle Ozioma journeyed down with her father to marry her soulmate to the incredible decor, including flowers from the floor to the ceiling, and a combination of sparklers inside and fireworks outside, after the pandemic tried to put a damper on their efforts to celebrate their love, they joyously went all out with their young daughter by their side. The day was a dream come true.
“My planner and her team perfectly executed my vision,” Ozioma says. “I couldn’t have been happier after planning for this day for such a long time. It was truly a day filled with joy and love.”
This is evident when you take a look at the couple’s gorgeous wedding album, shot by star wedding photographer Stanley Babb. Learn more about their love story, how their day came together, and what their future holds in this week’s Bridal Bliss and the relaunched video series “Behind Bridal Bliss” — just in time for Valentine’s Day!
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Sitting Pretty
“Over the past 11 years, Obi has demonstrated intentionality and unwavering care for me from the big to the small moments,” says Ozioma, captured on a bed of white roses during wedding prep. “I have no doubt he is my person.”
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A Dapper Dude
Obi puts the finishing touches on his look, with a little help from his friends. When asked how he knew Ozioma was his soulmate, he says, “I tend to be logical, so I knew early on she was my person, during our prep class for medical school. Her discipline and priorities were clear—she cooked twice a day, stayed very connected with her family, had a close-knit group of friends, and maintained a strong sense of faith, all while managing her classes and daily studies.”
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Gorgeous Girls
“In practice, I knew she was the one during our second year living together in Miami during med school rotations. That’s when I truly got to really know her. I met most of her friends, and they were all solid, decent people,” Obi says. Ozioma is pictured here with a few of her closest friends, her bridesmaids.
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The Groom and His Men
Obi shares a light moment with his groomsmen during pre-wedding portraits.
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The Bride’s Tribe
The ladies served looks during their last pre-wedding portraits together. The bridesmaids’ gowns were made by image consultant and bridal stylist King Aiyéh, who helped Ozioma obtain her own Matopeda Atelier gown.
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Ready for Love
A gleeful Obi is captured in his ensemble, a look by Uomo Migliore. He would wear two suits from the designer, and the groomsmen wore the designer as well.
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The First Look
We love the excitement both parties expressed when they saw each other for the sweet first look moment. “I envisioned a gown that would shimmer with crystals but was still elegant and timeless,” Ozioma says of her look. “Also, given that our wedding was set in a castle, I wanted my gown to reflect a fairytale ambiance. Matope brought my dream to life. I was very happy with my wedding gown.”
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The Road to the Altar
The aisle leads to the altar, which was placed in front of the steps of the stunning Castillo de Sant Marçal.
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Obi the Father
“The little girl Obi helped walk down the aisle is our 23-month-old daughter, Zara Adaora,” says Ozioma. “It was a surprising moment because during the wedding rehearsal she was shy and would not walk down the aisle.”
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Here Comes the Bride
Escorted down the aisle by her father, Ozioma looked good — and more importantly, she looked overjoyed to be making her way to her soon-to-be husband. She says it’s one of her favorite moments from the day.
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Reading of the Vows
Ozioma and Obi exchanged vows as the ceremony commenced. They, along with the castle, were lit up in a lovely way as the sun set while the event was underway.
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An Extra Special Kiss
Obi kissed his bride as sparklers and colorful smoke were let off behind them.
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A Family Affair
The couple took portraits with many important guests, including their parents. We love this image of Ozioma and Obi with a VIP, their daughter Zara.
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The Reception
While the wedding was outside, the reception was inside the castle. The hall space was elaborately decorated, with stunning chandeliers sitting among beautiful florals. Elisa Bertrán was responsible for all the flowers, and the wedding planner, Priscilla Llorens Corbellini, made the couple’s vision a reality.
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Happy Campers
“My favorite moment was watching my wife’s reaction when she saw the inside of the wedding venue,” Obi says. “She had put so much effort into bringing her vision to life, and seeing it all come together was truly special.”
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Spray Me
As the lovebirds made their entrance for the reception, they had to make a beeline to the dance floor, where they were met by their guests, ready to spray them with money and dance with them.
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The First Dance
After being welcomed in, Ozioma and Obi took to the dance floor again to two-step together for the first time as husband and wife. Cold sparklers went off to mark the moment.
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Daddy-Daughter Dance
Obi shared a special dance with all of the women in his life, including Ozioma, his mom, and as you can see here, the littlest lady he loves.
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This Calls for a Spray
Of course, it was only right that father and daughter were sprayed by loved ones, including the proud bride who hit the dance floor with a large stack of dollars.
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Let Them Eat Cake
The couple cut the towering creation that was their wedding cake during the reception fun. Clearly, a regular knife couldn’t do it justice, so they utilized a sword.
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Baby, You’re a Firework
Everyone stepped outside to enjoy a firework show, and the couple were in their element as the sky sparkled.
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A Second Look
“Khris designed and created my silver after-party dress, inspired by Tina Turner,” says Ozioma. “It embodied a carefree, celebratory vibe as the wedding came to an end.” Obi was in another look by Uomo Migliore, whom he lauds for creating elegant, charming and fashion-forward looks that felt in step with Barcelona style.
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It’s a Circus in Here
During the reception, in addition to dancing the night away, guests enjoyed performances from a stilt walker and juggler.
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What the Future Holds
“We are excited to spend the rest of our lives together, and to experience all that life has to offer,” the bride says. “We both share a love for traveling, and we cannot wait for many more adventures and exploring new cultures along the way. Above all, we are truly each other’s best friends, and we are thrilled to see what the future holds for us.”